The Ultimate Teacher‘s Handbook for Being Happier Part 4 - Wanted v. Unwanted

 Well, hello educator friends. This week we're starting with a quote and it is one of my favorites. It is from Dr. Wayne Dyer who, God goodness me, has been a great his work has been a great guiding force in my life. But here's the quote  and really let it sink in. Happy people live in a happy world.

Hostile people live in a hostile world.  Same world.  Okay, in my book Positive Mindset Habits from Teachers, I kind of adapted that happy teachers have a happy classroom, unhappy teachers have an unhappy classroom,  same kids.  So in this week, this is the last part, this is part four into our deep dive into my Positive Mindset Habits from Teachers.

for teachers where I expand on just a couple of the key concepts in the book and this week we're really getting to the crux of it. It has all been building to this and it, and here's what it comes down to. If you want to have a happier experience,  how do you?  Have a happier experience of the situation you're in.

Not when you have, you know, different kids or different teaching partners or a different admin or when, when, when. It's not some future event, it's now. So how Given that you have the same circumstances, how do you manage to have a more positive experience? And that's where all of this has been going.

We're going to do a deep dive into it into the episode. See you on the inside.  Welcome to the Balance Your Teacher Life podcast where we talk all things avoiding educator burnout, setting healthy boundaries, and achieving better work life balance. If you're passionate about education, but tired of it consuming your whole life, you have found your home in the podcast universe.

I'm your host, Grace Stevens, and let's get going with today's show. 

All right. Well, before we get going, I just want to remind you I've got lots of feedback that these episodes are turning out to be perfect to, in help people who are having a bad day. book study on campus or with their colleagues around this book. So I just wanted to put the offer out there and remind you if you need bulk copies of this book  or of any other of my teaching books and by bulk I mean anything over 25.

Reach out to me at  GraceStevens. com. Or just go to my website. There'll be a link there to contact me and see if I can get you some discount pricing. Now, to be honest, I have very little control over what retailers put my book at. And sometimes it is actually cheaper just to get it off Amazon.

Last year it was like down to 10 a copy. I mean, the highest is. 13 dollars. I, I try really hard to keep my books very affordable, but  some of you maybe can't buy off Amazon because you need to use a purchase order or whatever. So anyway, reach out to me, and I do want to put this offer out there. If you purchase more than 75 copies of me, I will throw in a free Zoom PD, a 40 minute q and a with your staff or a little personal development with your staff over Zoom.

So that's if you order 75 copies or more of me. So I wanted to throw that out 'cause it seems like a lot of people are doing this for book study and that makes me really happy.  Okay. The other thing before we get into, again, I feel like all these episodes have built up to this. This is part four. Let me give a quick, super quick recap of the other episodes because we started four weeks ago.

So even if you're one of, you know, the diehard listeners, maybe that information you heard a few weeks ago. So week one, we looked into the science. of happy and we came to the conclusion after looking at the science and various other things  happiness is a state of consciousness not a set of circumstances right that you can synthesize happiness and that looking at the science It's 50 percent of your happiness set point you inherited, it's part of your genetic makeup.

Only 10 percent is your actual circumstances and the other 40 percent you can work on with these happy habits, right? It's like a muscle that you flex. So that was part one. Part two, we looked at how happiness can only be experienced in the present moment, right? It's not some future event that we're putting off like, Oh, I'll be happy when it's spring break or summer  or woe betide retirement. 

Right. You can only experience happiness in the present, right? And we dove into some strategies to actually be more present in the classroom. We looked at being in flow state, which is a key component of happiness when you study positive psychology and also some mindfulness practices, super easy, super quick that you could do inside the classroom.

Okay. That was part two. In part three, We looked at how your brain has developed over time to keep you safe, not necessarily to keep you happy, right? And so we looked at how can you hack these internal systems to  overcome our natural tendencies, right? We looked at a negativity bias and a confirmation bias, got a little nerdy with the science about the reticular activating system, which is that bunch of cells that help you filter information.

You've so much sensory input that it, it acts like a screen and screens in things that you are looking for. So we're moving beyond the science. Episode three was fantastic when it had these four powerful practices that you could do every day in the classroom and two of them were actually doing them with your students.

That's where the magic happens because they'll keep you accountable, right? And these were  practical little exercises, fun, and that you could do to become what I term a joy. Detective. Okay, so that was the first three parts. So now we're on part four and this is where we have all been going and this is the crux of it all which is  really to determine your level of happiness in your current situation, right?

We're not talking about changing the circumstances or waiting till next year when you have a new group of kids because my goodness this is a tough class.  How are you gonna do that? Have a different experience in the situation that you find yourself in and it boils down to this. Now this seems so simple and with everything it is simple but it is not easy.

You have years, years, years of conditioning going against you but it boils down to this. Focus on what you want. Not on what you don't.  I want to say it again. The quality of your happiness really depends on your ability to focus on what you want  and not on what you don't.  Don't want.  So what does that look like, right?

What does it look like? Part of it is setting your radar to be a joy detective, right? You're sitting in class. Are you hyper fixating on the three class clowns  or on the 20, 30 other students who are really doing an awesome job? Now you, you got to deal with the class clowns, especially if they're getting in the way of other kids learning. 

If they're what I call, Oh my goodness, you're stealing other kids learning. If they're getting in the way of the classroom functioning, if they're being a huge distraction, of course you have to deal with them. You need to deal with them. Which I always call the, the, the three C's. There's more to it than this, but basically calm, consistent, consequences. 

And move on.  Nobody needs a 10 minute lecture or even a five minute lecture, right? I dealt with classroom behavior the same way I try to do with my parenting and that was less than 10 words and less than 10 seconds. Right. So when we get focusing on what you want means not getting drawn into those power struggles, okay?

Where it just goes on and on and it's the whole focus of your day. You are waiting for it to happen, right? Poor kid, like, you know, scratches his nose and you're like, oh, here we go. Here we go. That's your internal mon log. You are hyper fixating on like, when's he gonna start? What's he gonna do? How's it gonna be?

Right? All of your mental energy is going into that. You're focusing on what you don't want. And when you actually focus on what you don't want, you create more of it.  Please listen to the science. Before you roll your eyes and like, Oh my God, tell me this lady is not going to talk about manifesting and the law of attraction.

I promise you I am not. I am science based. I'm going to talk to you about the idea of Resonance. That's scientific. Frequency. Do you remember resonance? Do you remember learning in school that very basic principle? Let's say that there's a piano, right? You know, piano has the strings, right? Let's say the piano's open, you can see the strings, and there's  somebody who has a stringed instrument, let's say a violin, viola, something, and they play a perfect pitch to C.

When they play a perfect pitch to C, those sound waves  Reach resonance with the perfect C inside the piano. The C in the piano will start vibrating and making noise. Right? You've seen that. Oh, we didn't have YouTube when I was growing up. You could go find YouTube on that. Now, what I do remember when I was a kid was always seeing that advert where the lady singing at the perfect pitch would smash the wine glass.

Right? You remember that image? And that's because of the scientific principle of resonance. So, when I talk about frequency, and when I talk about your energy teaching more than your lesson plans, that's what it really is. What vibe are you sending out there? Again, not woo woo science. What vibe are you sending out there?

Kids are, I always used to say when I was substitute teaching, I'd be like, Oh my gosh, kids are like dogs, right? They sense fear. Like, you have to go in with confidence. You have to go in with the confidence they're going to eat you alive. Okay? But kids can sense it. They sense when your radar is set to them misbehaving.

Guess what? Let me misbehave. You can go back to that episode that I did with Kelly Lefkoe from EduCalm and she talked all about co regulation, right? That's, that's the, the nice speak of how we explain it these days. I'm going to stick with the word residence. Okay. So focus on what you want, not on what you don't.

And so how do we focus on what we want? Well, the problem is.  Most of our thoughts, most of our thoughts are unconscious, right? We get through life just, you know, doing what we did yesterday and thinking what we thought yesterday. Okay, scientists say there's between 60 thoughts that we have a day. Hey, no wonder we're exhausted, right?

90 percent of them are the same ones we had yesterday.  So, if you were already like, you know, it's like Groundhog Day. You're anticipating the day is going to go like it went yesterday. Okay, so it's not just how you're acting in the moment, it's what you're focusing on in general. So, it's what are you listening to, right?

What are you talking about?  What are you complaining about? Right, all of these things are ways that you focus. Are you talking about things that are going right?  Or are you talking about things that are going wrong? When you go to the lunchroom, that kid that drove you crazy all day and you need that break from him so much.

Did you invite him to lunch? Are you sitting at the staff room table talking about him? Or her? Oh my gosh, now they're sitting there right there with you. You said you needed a break from them, but now you're reliving all the drama. And then another teacher comes in with their drama. Oh, well, like it's some kind of competition.

Oh, you think that kid's Bad. Oh, listen to what my kid did, or oof, you think that parent was out of control and over demanding, listen to mine. It's like some big old match and competition. Who has the worst kids, the worst parents, who slept less, who has more grading piling up. Like it's all focused so much on what we don't want.

Our conversations, our thoughts, what we've set our radar to, right? I like to think of it.  In terms of like, yeah, like a radio signal, right? This frequency, you tune in. You're tuning in. What station are you tuning in? Are you tuned in to? These kids are awful. Teaching is crap. I can't wait to get out of here. 

Is that the radio station? We're going to call that K crap, if you will. Or are you tuning into  K potential? Oh my gosh, I see students who are trying really hard. I see new thoughts happening in my room. I see students interacting in positive ways. I see the possibilities and the opportunities. Even though we have some tough circumstances.

There are opportunities right now to move education and move learning forward. Let's focus on that vision, okay? So it doesn't just boil down to what happens in your classroom. It's what happens in the rest of your life. Again, hostile people live in a hostile world. Happy people live in a happy world. So let's think about this. 

Okay, I will do a whole episode on this, but you know,  watching your mental diet,  right? Albert Einstein said, the most important decision we ever need to make is if we think we live in a friendly or a hostile universe. Okay, now, I believe we live in a friendly universe. Talked about this before, right? The paradigm shift that's needed and that is, I believe people are doing the best they can in the situation they find themselves in with the skills they've got, okay?

So that's living in a friendly world. It's gonna be hard to think we live in a friendly world if every time we listen to a podcast, instead of listening to something uplifting or fun or learning something new, you know, we're listening to true crime.  Non stop. Nothing wrong with a little, you know, binge watching of something, but not when it's your, I'm gonna say it's like a diet, right?

Like you can have a glass of wine once in a while or a hamburger once in a while, or a piece of chocolate once in a while, but that can't be our standard diet. We wouldn't expect to eat junk food all day and feel good inside our body. And it's the same with our mind. Once in a while to watch something, you know, a little gory or a little thrill seeking is okay.

But not if that's the only thing you're watching. If you are streaming the news 24 seven, wow, talked about this before. That's like drinking trauma from a fire hose, right? Our nervous system cannot take that all in. Okay. So a large part of it is watching your mental diet.  Another part is mind who you hang with.

You want to feel positive, hang with the positive people. You'll want to get through day complaining and thinking it's all crap. Hang out with the people who that's all they talk about, think about obsess about and want to engage you in conversation about. Okay, so it's multifaceted, right? Focusing on what you want  really boils down to tuning in your frequency.

Right? Sometimes I catch myself, Huh, what song am I singing? Am I tuned into K Potential, a radio station, or K Crap? Right? Just turn the dial. Stop.  There's just a very  powerful practice that you can do, is just stop.  Take a breath  and ask the question, Is this moving me closer to what I want or further away?

Okay, in NLP, Neuro Linguistic Programming, we call that practice, it's a pattern interrupt, we call it SBA.  Stop,  breathe,  ask. And I'm encouraging you that what you're going to ask, or ask, is  Is what I'm thinking, saying, doing, listening to, watching, engaging in, whatever situation you're in, is what I'm doing right now moving me closer to what I want,  which is a peaceful, positive experience, or further away from what I want, right?

Again, simple, so simple.  Focus on what you want, not on what you don't. Try and be mindful of your conversations, the people you hang with, what you consume via media, podcasts, blogs, social media accounts, etc, etc, etc. In one of my core programs, what we do is actually do an audit of all of that. We do a time audit.

When people suddenly realize they do have a lot of time to work on things they want to work on if they cut out negative things. And the other thing is like this media kind of audit  to really do a deep dive into where they're spending their time and what they're planting in their consciousness. And people never fail to be amazed, like, Oh, wow.

Yeah, no wonder I'm stressed. Right? Okay, so that's really the crux of it. Now in the book there are specific activities at the end of the chapter just as we have at the end of every chapter, right? I feel like that's where my magic lies. Take the science, take the classroom experience, merge the two and give you a set of habits.

They're called habits because they're not one and done. You gotta keep doing them. You can't think one positive thought and think that it can, you know, Out run the rest of humanity's experience and your own experience and conditioning, right? There are habits, you need to do them repeatedly.  The other part of this, which we don't have time to go into here, but is work that I do in my signature program with people, and that is looking at limiting beliefs.

Right? You might be aware of the idea if you've ever gone through, you know, any kind of therapy or looked at any of cognitive behavioral therapy. The whole premise is first come the thoughts, then come the feelings, and then comes the action. Right? So if you even if you have a basic reflection sheet with some of your students, right, they got to reflect on, you know, what did I do?

Okay. And some of you is going to be, why was it wrong? But, you know, maybe a deeper level is, you know, when you ask kids, why did I do that? They don't know. They don't know why they did it. But they might know The feeling. What were you feeling when you did that? That might be easier for a kid to get to. I'm frustrated.

Or I was angry. Or I was sad. Right? So you can on your reflection sheet have what was that feeling now. Really deeper for older students or encouraging, you know, for yourself. You acted a certain way. Huh, what were you feeling? You know, what thoughts were you thinking that led you to feel that way?  Okay, so that's a real deep reflection sheet. 

Now,  the problem is 95 percent of our thoughts are unconscious. We're not really not even aware what we're thinking sometimes, right? And so very deep down you know, there are some unconscious beliefs that people have. We call them limiting beliefs that get in their own way. You know, for a kid, it might be the belief that they're stupid and they can't learn.

Maybe that's all they've ever heard, right? And you're not from a teacher clearly, but maybe that's what they've heard at home. Maybe that's what you feel. A lot of people, maybe it's, you're not worthy. Who do you think you are to have this, right? That's conditioning from our childhood. Oh, you know, for me, it was kids are starving in Africa, you know, clean that plate.

Yeah, it hasn't led to a healthy relationship with food,  right? So there are just, you know, Oh my God, if I don't clean this plate, some kid in Africa is going to die, right? Like that's, you know, it's not healthy, right? So a lot of it is unconscious. And so, you know, it takes really deep work on limiting beliefs, unconscious beliefs to get to the bottom of it.

But it is the basis of this work. If you can just try and think when you're not feeling Great. When you're feeling super stressed in the classroom, when you're feeling super negative about certain individuals, just ask yourself, Huh, what am I feeling right now? Right? What was I thinking about?  What was I thinking about?

What have I been listening to? What is the kind of the What channel am I tuned into right now? Okay, that's basically, if we're looking, here are some examples, you know, you know, we all like to look for an essential question, right? Again, what I always ask myself with this SBA, stop, breathe, ask, what is it do I want to feel right now? 

That's a good question.  Are these thoughts moving me towards my goal? or away from my goal?  That's a good question. And here's, here you go. Are these facts or stories?  Is it a fact that that kid gets out of bed in the morning with the express?  intention of winding me up? Or is that a story I'm telling myself?

The fact is that student right now is, you know, dysregulated or did this, like, don't make up a whole story about it, that it was about you, you know, all those things. Okay.  All right. So that is basically. It, that's as deep as I'm going to go. I think there's so much there. If you really listen to these four,  um, episodes and you take the time to work on some of these strategies, it is really going to be a good starting ground for you to start changing your experience.

Obviously I'm going to recommend you read the book because the book has exercises inside it that you can do. Also a lot of this is foundational in my ECHO framework for educators, right? My ECHO framework. Energy teaches more than your lesson plans.  C.  Control what you can control. H. Happiness can be synthesized.

That's what we've been talking about, right? And then O. Other people's experience doesn't need to be your experience. So I have, you know, a signature course on that, that I work with and coach students with. But even, you know, even reading the book,  working through the exercises can make a big difference for you.

So I'm going to end with a quote. And I've got to tell you.  When I wrote this book, I put the quote in there and, you know, do you ever go to like just to Google who said that quote? This quote was attributed to so many people. I don't even know who said it. It was attributed to  late president of the Bilo stores, Frank Outlaw.

It has been attributed to Gandhi, Ralph Waldo Emerson. I saw it in Margaret Thatcher's the movie, The Iron Lady. She said it came from her father. It goes all the way back to Lao Tzu that people have had some version of this. So don't know who to credit, not me, but here it is. It is. Watch your thoughts.

They become your words.  Watch your words.  They become your actions.  Watch your actions. They become your habits.  Watch your habits. They become your character  and watch your character for it. becomes your destiny.  Okay, I hope you'll embark on a if not a group book study or a personal book study. The book is short and actionable.

You can find it anywhere books are sold. Again, positive mindset habits for teachers for two years. I've been working on the follow up, which is more positive mindset habits. I think it's actually like, as far as the framework goes, a better book. I got to get it finished. But in the meantime, this will be a great start for you.

I hope you have a fantastic week. I want to remind you, I believe in you. I believe in the capacity of education to change the world and to provide a rewarding career if we work at it. And remember, create your own path.  And bring your own sunshine.