Feb. 3, 2025
Episode 16: Coach'EM Up Leadership Series: Managing Conflicts and Difficult Conversations!
Fan Mail! Unlock the secrets to effective conflict resolution and transform your leadership skills with insights from Principal JL in the latest episode of the Coach"Em Up Leadership Series. Discover how mastering the art of difficult conversations can make you a more effective leader in education, by learning to navigate complex situations with empathy and clarity. We'll guide you through creating safe, neutral spaces for dialogue and the critical practice of active listening to understand t...
Unlock the secrets to effective conflict resolution and transform your leadership skills with insights from Principal JL in the latest episode of the Coach"Em Up Leadership Series. Discover how mastering the art of difficult conversations can make you a more effective leader in education, by learning to navigate complex situations with empathy and clarity. We'll guide you through creating safe, neutral spaces for dialogue and the critical practice of active listening to understand the root causes of conflicts. Through strategic documentation and collaborative brainstorming, find out how to foster lasting solutions that ensure all voices are heard.
Join us as we delve into the nuances of communication, where being direct yet empathetic plays a crucial role in outlining expectations and consequences. Gain practical tips on preparing for open dialogues by removing physical barriers and maintaining transparency. Reflecting on these exchanges is key, and we’ll show you how to use these experiences for growth. Plus, we emphasize the importance of self-care to recharge for future challenges. Whether you're dealing with students, parents, faculty, or community members, this episode equips you with the tools to lead with confidence and compassion in the people-centered world of education.
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01:07 - Resolving Conflict Through Difficult Conversations
11:21 - Navigating Conflict and Difficult Conversations
19:30 - Effective Difficult Conversations and Conflict Resolution
WEBVTT
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Hello everybody, this is Principal JL and I'm excited to be back for another episode of the Coach Em Up Leadership Series.
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Today we are going to talk about managing conflict and difficult conversations.
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Now, this is a part of the job a lot of people don't talk about, but this is a very important part of your position as a principal, but it's something that it's necessary because you have to be able to, as a principal, to solve conflict and resolve it, and you also need to be able to have those difficult conversations.
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Now, there's lots of ways you can be resolving a conflict or having difficult conversations.
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The main ways as a principal is we are going to be working with students.
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Those are people we're going to be working with when it comes to resolving conflict and to have some difficult conversations.
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You're going to also have these conversations with parents, guardians, maybe some community members from time to time, but also with your faculty, your teachers and your staff.
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You're going to have to have these type of difficult conversations and if you can get really good at being able to resolve conflict and to have difficult conversations, it's just going to make your ability to lead better.
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It just will be.
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We got to remember, as principals, we are in the people business.
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We are in the business of helping people, no matter where they're at.
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You know, it doesn't matter if they're a student, you know a teacher, a parent, a staff member, it doesn't matter.
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We want to help those people resolve those issues.
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But also, you know, have those difficult conversations when you need to have them.
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Now I'm going to be honest, this is probably the least favorite part of being a principal is to have these conversations, because sometimes we look at it as you know, why should I be having this conversation?
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This is dumb, like the situation shouldn't get to this point.
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But at the same time, we are dealing with people, we are dealing with other humans and guess what?
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They're going to have conflict, they're going to have things that they're going to need addressed, and so that is your job as a principal is to resolve those issues, move on.
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But also you want to help people in the process of this conflict.
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Like I said, you could be resolving a conflict with a student, a parent, a guardian, maybe a community member or a staff member.
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Okay, it could be any one of those things, but there's basic things that you need to be able to do to help resolve those conflicts.
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Let's go ahead, and first thing you need to do is acknowledge that there is a conflict, like you can't sit there and see something or hear something or get stuff brought to you and ignore the situation.
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Okay, as a principal, people bring things to me all the time Like it could be a student issue, it could be a staff issue, it could be a parent issue.
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It comes to my attention.
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I want to resolve that conflict as quick as I can, but I also want to do it in a way that helps people.
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First thing I got to be able to do is go okay, there's a situation.
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And once I figure out that, yep, there's a conflict, next thing I want to do is to be able to create a safe environment or space for people to discuss that situation.
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So it's all about how you have people come to you, how do you allow them to approach, but also, you also want to be in a neutral position.
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You don't want to sit there and it's not the time to have an authoritarian.
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You know, demeanor, it's just hey, I'm here to listen, I'm here to take down some information.
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You might write yourself some notes, but at the same time, you're just taking in the information that you need to be able to look at.
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So to be able to create a safe environment is super important, because that puts people at ease, they're able to tell you what's going on and then you can go ahead and allow that information to come so you can receive it, but also to validate the person's situation that's going on.
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And while you're doing that, as you're taking this information, you might ask some follow-up questions.
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You might rephrase hey, this is what I'm understanding you saying.
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Do I understand the situation?
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Yes, because what you want to be able to do is you want to be able to identify the root cause as quickly as possible, because that's what you got to tackle to find the solutions.
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And then, once you're able to nail down whatever that root cause is, then you start collaborating with that person.
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Or you might need to bring some other people in to collaborate, because that might be more than one person that's.
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Or you might need to bring some other people in to collaborate, because that might be more than one person that's involved, and you might have to go, do a little investigation, try to figure out, hey, what's the other person's side?
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Try to figure out like, hey, how can we work this problem and find a solution.
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So being able to collaborate and brainstorm with people while you're doing that to help find solutions, is important.
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Now for me as a principal, I want to sit there and collaborate.
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I also want them to think about okay, this is a situation, this is the root cause, what are some solutions, what are steps that maybe you can take so this doesn't happen again?
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Or what are some things that we can figure out that everybody involved here can do, so this result doesn't happen again?
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Or what are some things that we can figure out that everybody involved here can do, so this result doesn't happen again?
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So be able to drill down that root cause, but also to be able to collaborate to find solutions, is the next step when it comes to resolving just conflicts, and these conflicts can be small, these conflicts can be bigger.
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It just depends on what situation you're doing and then, as a leader, you want to monitor that situation.
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You want to go okay, here's the problem, here's some solutions, let's monitor that solution.
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Now, this may be something that you do just to follow up.
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Hey, you know, I want to follow up with that student, with that parent, with that teacher, with that staff member.
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I want to follow up and go with that parent, with that teacher, with that staff member.
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I want to follow up and go hey, how's it going?
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There was this conflict you guys had.
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I want to see how it's going because I want to know if it's getting better or if it's getting worse, because then you can be able to take action on things you need to be able to do, depending on the situation.
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So I always want to be able to follow up with the solutions.
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No-transcript Google doc.
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Some people will write it down.
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I will have a documentation where I will.
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I will write down this situation just so I can remember what's going on.
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So if this ever comes back up, I have documentation to fall back on so I can see okay, these are steps we've already taken and maybe there's other steps we've got to take with that situation.
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So that's another piece is being able to document these situations.
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So you always have something to fall back to refresh, because this may come up two months later and you can go back two months ago and say, hey, two months ago this happened, this was what we were trying to solve, so it sounds like it's not getting better.
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So maybe we got to figure out a different solution or try to help that conflict even get resolved even more.
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A lot of times that the situation gets resolved, you know, I would say in my experience, you know, eight out of 10 times it gets resolved the first shot.
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But that's because I take these steps right.
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I want to do these steps, these things, to help resolve these conflicts so we can move on, because when we have conflict, we're not, we're not getting better, we're not able to be the best versions of ourselves, but also we can grow it and learn from those conflicts.
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As a teacher, as a student, as a parent, staff member, community member, whoever you are, as a principal, your whole goal is to help people find solutions so they can move on or get better and relearn from those situations.
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The other thing is you want to be able to consider other avenues.
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So sometimes there's situations to where you may not be able to fix it, but you may be able to lead people to therapy or external means of getting help.
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As a principal, sometimes we feel like we're counselors.
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You, you know, sometimes we feel like we're therapists, but that's not really our wheelhouse.
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So sometimes we need to find those external resources to help people.
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Hey, this sounds like it's deeper than here.
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Maybe there's some external things that you can maybe point into, some resources to help them.
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It comes to resolving conflicts is you want to be able to reflect and learn from it, right, and so, as a principal, you want to try to help the people that are in conflict.
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You know, not right away, but later.
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Hey, reflect on it, learn from it and grow from it as a leader.
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How did I handle that conflict?
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Did I do it the appropriate way?
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Did I learn something from that conflict?
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That conflict Did I do it the appropriate way?
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Did I learn something from that conflict?
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How could I learn and grow as a leader when you have those difficult situations that you have to address?
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So that's the first thing I want to talk about is just resolving conflict.
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Just to go back and to wrap it all together is acknowledge the conflict, find the root cause.
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You don't want to collaborate with people.
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You want to monitor that situation.
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You want to make sure you're documenting, keeping records, something I learned in the military they always tell you document, document, document.
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But that's mainly so you can go back and review it if that situation ever comes up again.
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But there also might be a situation that comes up.
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That's very similar and you go, you know what, based off of my experience, this is how I handled it.
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I'm going to be consistent and handle it the same way with other people as well.
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And then be able to empathize with people is another thing is you got to be able to have empathy.
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You got to be able to put yourselves in their shoes and understand where they're at, but yet, at the same time, you want to try to help them through that conflict, and then you want to be able to reflect and learn from those conflicts and those difficult situations as needed.
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The second thing I'm going to really talk about today is having difficult conversations.
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This part is probably the part I'm going to be honest, the part I don't like as much.
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I mean, when you have to have those difficult conversations, you just got to have them and I get it Like that's my job.
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I got to have these conversations.
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So a lot like resolving conflicts.
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You don't want to ignore these difficult conflicts, but there are things you need to do to be ready, because you don't want to wing these conversations, because a lot of times, especially if you're dealing with staff members, you might be talking to them through a difficult conversation that might lead to more consequences or actions that you might have to take, and that's not fun for anybody when you have to do that as a principal when it comes to these difficult conversations.
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So here's some things you can think about when you're talking about having difficult conversations with students, parents, guard I mean, it could be anybody, but you're going to have to have these conversations as a leader, and so here's some things you need to be able to do.
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So the first thing we got to be able to do when having difficult conversations is we got to be prepared right.
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We got to be able to under have the key information together and we got to have all the facts.
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We want to be able to have the key information together and we got to have all the facts.
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We want to gather all the facts.
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It doesn't matter whoever's involved with it.
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You got to get all the facts together.
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You got to be able to list it all down.
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You got to have it all written down.
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You got to be able to anticipate responses, because when you have these difficult conversations, you're dealing with human beings.
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You're dealing with people and it's going to make them uncomfortable.
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Human beings.
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You're dealing with people and they're not.
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It's going to make them uncomfortable.
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They're not going to enjoy having these difficult conversations because it's something either they did or they're involved with.
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That doesn't bring a lot of comfort.
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It's something that's uncomfortable for them, and so you want to be able to just have the facts.
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You want to be able to be prepared so you can understand all sides and all perspectives when it comes to having these difficult conversations.
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The next thing you want to be able to do is you want to set the stage.
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You want to be professional, you want to be able to have a welcoming environment to put them at ease, because when you have these difficult conversations, they probably already know what's coming.
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They probably already know that, hey, this is going to be a tough conversation and you want to kind of put them at ease and set the stage when you have these things.
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So things I like to do is you know, I don't like to sit behind my desk.
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You know, to have these difficult conversations.
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I actually have a little conferencing table area, you know, and where I will sit, where we can meet face to face.
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I can be able to have the information in front of me, and a lot of times I'll have someone in there recording those difficult conversations, because I don't want it to be a he said, she said or he said, he said situation.
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I want to have someone in there to record the conversation so there's transparency for everyone, and it's more so just to help everybody stay at ease when you have those difficult conversations.
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So, setting the stage and letting people know hey, this is what this conversation is going to be about, come ready for it, come ready for it and then, when you start the conversation, you'll be very clear the intention of the discussion, what the situation is.
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Here's the facts.
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State of facts.
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As a principal, you got to keep your emotions in check and you got to keep your bias out of it.
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You got to keep your emotions out of it.
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You just want to make it.
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You know.
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Hey, I'm here to help you.
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This is a part of the job I don't enjoy, but yet it's necessary because this situation needs to be resolved and this is what I need to do to help you, but also for you to help yourself, so you can learn and grow as well.
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You want to be very clear with that staff member what that conversation is about, but you also be very clear what the facts are.
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These are the facts, and then you want to be able to give them a chance to talk.
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So this is probably the key right here is to be an active listener.
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So you want to be able to present the facts.
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Then you want to give them an opportunity to respond and be able to have a conversation with you.
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You don't want to sit there and just unload on them all these things, listen to them all down, but have a conversation saying, hey, this is what happened, these are the concerns, what's your side of it?
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And you may have some other side, but yet you're giving them an opportunity for you to validate the situation, for them to be heard and seen in that conversation.
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So, being able to actively listen, being able to follow up with them, make sure you are giving them feedback when you're actively listening so they understand that you heard them and then validate them.
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A lot of times in these conversations there's going to be emotions, all right, and, as as a leader, yes, you could be emotional as well, but you got to kind of keep that in check.
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You got to kind of keep your emotion to where.
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Hey, I'm, I'm empathetic, I can understand where you're at.
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Here's the expectations, here's the why behind it.
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But yet I'm here to help.
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Like I think if you come out with the um, you come at it with I'm here to help you instead of you're in trouble and you know, blah, blah, blah.
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You shouldn't do this.
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You need to come with an empathetic, you know, demeanor to where.
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Hey, this sucks.
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Like I understand where you're at.
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This is the situation and this is why we're here today on this situation, so, being able to actively listen and let them get that out, what you're doing is you're also building trust within that situation.
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You also want to be direct.
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There's times to be direct in this job, you know, and people think direct leadership shouldn't be a part of it, but there's times where you got to be direct and say, hey, you know what, this is what happened, and you're just being direct with them.
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You're being, a matter of fact, to where we can't have this, because this is our expectation flat out.
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And here's the consequences because of this situation.
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Like I said, this could be a conversation with anybody student, parent, guardian, staff member, anybody and so every situation is different, but they have a common theme that you can work through when you're having these difficult conversations, but when you're a director, you're also compassionate, you're empathetic, and explaining a why is super important Like this is why this expectation exists.
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This is what we need to be able to be tight on.
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This is the things we got to be able to do, and if you got to be able to explain that and you got to have all this stuff down before you run into that meeting and have these situations because the more organized you are, the more prepared you are, the better these conversations are going to go.
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And then you want to be timely with this information.
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You don't want to sit on this stuff for weeks on end.
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You want to address these issues and have these conversations, you know, quickly as possible.
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The reason is so you can move on, so you can help that person move on from the situation as well, and then, as a principal, you can do what you got to do and resolve in the next situation or mitigating the next type of problem that you are resolving, the next issue that you might have coming up, be able to time it down to where.
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Hey, I want to get this resolved as quickly as possible, because that's what's best for everybody in these situations, especially when you're dealing with tough, difficult conversations and I always feel better after I have these conversations, like I've I kind of dread having them, and then, once I have them and then they go well, I felt that was that, was that was great to get a solution and resolve that situation and kind of put it behind you because, yes, you put it behind you but you will also follow up with that person in in the weeks to come, the days to come, just to see how things are going.
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Like, how can you, you know better, support them and help them, um, with that situation?
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Are they doing better?
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You know, and sometimes these situations, when you're having these difficult conversations, you might have to have an action plan, you might have to have some work.
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Some people call it letter of clarification, and that's not to be a jerk.
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You're just holding expectations, that you're holding for everybody, but it's so people can understand like, hey, we have an expectation we have to uphold and I'm going to follow up on that, and that's just you doing your job as a principal.
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You want to help people reflect on these outcomes or you want to help them reflect on these conversations, because, as a principal, you want to reflect on these situations as well.
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How did I handle that.
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How could I have done better with handling it?
00:20:02.073 --> 00:20:32.332
But also, the more you handle these situations, you're going to have an experience that you're going to draw back on, because I'm telling you, it won't be the last time you handle a difficult situation or have a difficult conversation and you want to be able to draw back on those experiences and you want to be able to reflect on those outcomes because, hey, you may not handle that situation perfectly, you may not handle it correctly the first time, but the more you do this job and the better experience you are, you're going to have those experiences to draw back on.
00:20:32.332 --> 00:20:38.055
And so you got to be able to reflect on the outcomes from these difficult conversations and how they go.
00:20:38.055 --> 00:20:46.159
And also, after having these difficult conversations, the final thing you want to be able to do is you want to be able to take practice.
00:20:46.179 --> 00:20:47.720
Self-care guys Like.
00:20:47.720 --> 00:20:54.423
This job is tough, it's hard, it can be draining, but you have to have some sort of way to decompress.
00:20:54.423 --> 00:21:01.007
Some people like to work out, some people like to read books, Some people like to do the dishes, clean the house.
00:21:01.007 --> 00:21:03.708
I mean, there's things people do to decompress.
00:21:03.708 --> 00:21:05.892
I like to go on walks.
00:21:05.892 --> 00:21:07.960
I call them, my decompression walks.
00:21:07.960 --> 00:21:12.977
So if I get out in a building I'm having a rough day, I get out and I walk around.
00:21:12.977 --> 00:21:28.758
That makes me feel better because I'm able to think through things, I'm able to kind of just decompress from the situation and I'm able to kind of bring myself to center, to where I am like okay, my mind's right, I'm ready to tackle the next thing.
00:21:28.758 --> 00:21:31.290
And so I've done that, you know, a few times.
00:21:31.371 --> 00:21:35.118
It's just me, having physical activity or walking and doing things helps me.
00:21:35.118 --> 00:21:44.801
But I also will do that when I'm getting ready to have a difficult conversation, because I like to think things through, I like to make sure I have all the information together.
00:21:44.801 --> 00:21:46.890
I know how I'm going to have this conversation.
00:21:46.890 --> 00:21:48.693
I replay it in my head.
00:21:48.693 --> 00:21:58.638
But also I'm able to have time to get myself in a right mindset for those difficult conversations as well.
00:21:58.638 --> 00:22:07.375
And I do that at the end to get my mindset after and I'll tell you what, after these difficult conversations and I decompress after them I feel really good.
00:22:07.375 --> 00:22:16.063
I feel really good about, hey, that conversation went well, or maybe it didn't go well, but I have to think through that and understand what I can do better.
00:22:16.063 --> 00:22:32.773
But also, you know, did I help that situation get resolved and so be able to practice self-care, have something to recharge yourself so you can tackle the rest of either the day or the week, or maybe you do some of these difficult conversations towards the end of the week.
00:22:32.773 --> 00:22:38.075
You have the weekend to really kind of get yourself set for the upcoming week that you have coming.
00:22:38.075 --> 00:22:40.080
So there you guys have it.
00:22:40.080 --> 00:22:45.855
That is, resolving conflicts and having difficult conversations.
00:22:46.435 --> 00:22:53.953
I hope this episode was valuable to you, because a lot of people don't sit there and talk about having these conversations.
00:22:53.953 --> 00:22:59.512
This is probably the least glamorous part of the job and the position, but they're necessary.
00:22:59.512 --> 00:23:04.743
It's important for us to be able to have conflict resolution skills.
00:23:04.743 --> 00:23:08.741
It's also important for us to be able to have difficult conversations.
00:23:08.741 --> 00:23:19.211
These are things they talk about but they never put in practice before you become a principal, and so I hope you guys find value in this episode and it really speaks to you.
00:23:19.211 --> 00:23:23.820
So if this episode brings value to you, I would love to hear back from you.
00:23:23.820 --> 00:23:38.442
So hit me up in the fan mail, let me know if this episode was meaningful, but also maybe bring in some of your own ideas on how to have difficult conversations and resolving conflicts, cause you know this isn't the.
00:23:38.442 --> 00:23:40.954
You know the one way to do it.
00:23:40.954 --> 00:23:45.554
There's a lot of different ways, but this is a way that works for me and I hope it works for you.
00:23:45.554 --> 00:23:51.030
Until next time, everybody, I hope you guys are always looking to be 1% better.
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