Reducing Teacher Stress: 5 Lessons from 'Don't Sweat the Small Stuff' (Best Books for Teachers Part 2)

Alright, teacher friends. So you haven't one of those days. You know those days All you needed was one copy, but the stupid copy you jammed. The fire alarm went off in the middle of you giving a test. Someone scheduled an IEP meeting during your lunch. Three students are competing for the title of best class clown, and would you hand in your attendance already? Right? That's just another adventure in teaching. Well, today I got something to help you out. What of that is big stuff and what of it is little stuff? When it all compounds, it's also overwhelming and it all feels like big stuff. But in this episode I'm doing a deep dive into the classic book Don't Sweat the Small Stuff and it's all small stuff by Dr Richard Carson, and I'm picking out the five most pertinent ideas to help bring balance and reduce stress in your day. Let's get to it. Welcome to the Balance your Teacher Life Podcast, where we talk all things avoiding educator burnout, setting healthy boundaries and achieving better work-life balance. If you're passionate about education but tired of it consuming your whole life, you have found your home in the podcast universe. I'm your host, grace Stevens, and let's get going with today's show. Alright, so you might be familiar with Dr Carson's work. He wrote the book Don't Sweat the Small Stuff, and it's all small stuff back in the late 90s and then it kind of became this industry. There were a couple of really great ones Don't Sweat the Small Stuff with your family, don't Sweat the Small Stuff at work, don't Sweat the Small Stuff with your teens and then it kind of turned into an industry. There's 21 of the books, but really for most of them, dr Carson literally wrote like a two paragraph introduction and then a team of other people wrote it and they really weren't as magical. There is. In fact, when I was researching this episode, I went and looked and there is one on teaching books. Sorry, I mean, it's really unlikely that the person or the team that wrote it is listening, but yeah, it wasn't that good. Anyway, funnily enough, how did I get introduced to his work? Well, he was a therapist and I live in Northern California. He lives in Northern California and one of my employees. At the time when I was in a management role, one of my employees was going to him. He was her therapist and she was always saying like really smart stuff, like my therapist says, choices, it comes down to choices and just a whole bunch of stuff and I said, wow, this guy sounds really good. Going to therapy was nothing that was on my radar at that point. But she said, hey, he wrote this book anyway. So I read that book and, oh my gosh, I've got to tell you I gifted it to so many people and it has really stood the tester time. Now it's 100 short chapters and I've got to tell you remember this was back in the day before we had the interwebs and our social media and now, when you look at the titles, you're going to be like, oh well, that's a meme. Yeah, it is, but he coined a lot of them and while, like I said, there are 100 chapters, some of them might seem a little strange, like care for a plant or do this or do that, but I've picked out what I feel like are the five most pertinent that can help us every day Really just have a more peaceful and joyful day in the classroom and not let the everyday stresses overcome us. Now I am going to preface it by saying listen, I don't live in a fantasy world. I was in the classroom for 20 years, until very recently, and for 16 of those I was in a pretty well, I was a title one school, so there was a lot of student trauma there, a lot of issues that really were big stuff. Right, when you've got to call CPS, when you've got to do a room clear because kids being dangerous to themselves and to others like that's the big stuff. When parents are threatening to sue over whatever, that's the big stuff. But the problem is there's so much little stuff that's overwhelming. Is that when we get beaten down and exhausted and burnt out, is that we just don't even have the capacity to deal with the big stuff and everything starts feeling big. Right, like I always said, pick and choose your battles. Like, do you really want, with all the things that are happening in education, you really want fidget spinners? Or the fact that some kids want to wear a baseball cap in your class? Is that going to be the hill you're going to die on? I mean you need to be consistent with whatever your policy is. We all know the inconsistency is like the kiss of death for classroom management, like you've got to have a consistent policy, but some of the stuff just isn't that important. So let's have a look here. I'm going to pick out the five that I thought were really cool and I was having a bit of a reflection. I was going back. It's been a long time since I read the book and one of the things I laughed that, wow, this is a strategy I use all the time and I hadn't realized it. But maybe it came from this book, maybe it's come from a whole bunch of different places, because it is a very common kind of technique in emotional regulation, in emotional intelligence, which is something that I have studied a lot. But it's really this fast forward technique, and so I would always start there, and I was surprised when I saw Chapter 16. I realized it was in here. I didn't pick it as one of my top five, but it's a great one. It says ask yourself this question Will this matter a year from now? So I know that Dr Carlson didn't come up with this idea, because my dad used to say this to me back when I lived at home, and so you know that was in the. I lived home in the early 80s, so I know it's an old idea, but he would always ask me. He'd say look fast forward. A year from now, will this matter? And then he'd say you know what, a month from now will this matter? And really sometimes even ask myself a week from now or tomorrow, will this even matter? No, it's a way of keeping perspective. So I wanted to give a shout out to my dad there, no longer with us, but he was a wise man and he kept it simple, and so when I found that technique in the book, I was thinking that Richard Carlson must be a really, really great dad too. So anyway, all right, let's see, I narrowed it down to five. Here we go. Number one and this was in his chapter three it was let go of the idea that gentle, relaxed people can't be super achievers. All right, now enough already with the teacher Martha myth. Marta myth, I don't even say it, the teacher, marta myth. You know that idea that, like, the best teacher is the one whose car is the last one to leave campus, right, the idea that you can only be an effective teacher if you're always running around and you're doing so many things and you're volunteering for everything, and we kind of in our mind think, oh yeah, that's the really great teacher. Let go of that. You can be equally as effective. Yeah, where are new dreams? Walking around with your cup of coffee in your hand? Right, just because you don't look like the super achiever. You could have the best relationships with students. You could be having awesome, creative things happening in your classroom even if you leave campus on time, right? So let go of that judgment and let go of that idea that you need to be running around like a crazy person in order to be getting everything done and to be effective as a teacher. You do not. Gentle, relaxed people with quiet, calm voices can also be achieving at great levels, okay. Just because they're not emanating stress when you walk by them doesn't mean they're not achieving. Okay. So really think about that. Alright, the next one, my second one, that I want to talk about is chapter 69. Be happy where you are, right. Oh, bloom where you're planted, all those things that are means. But really think about it. Really think about it. I wrote about this a lot when I wrote, actually, about relationships, about this idea that we always think the grass is always going to be greener. Right, you're thinking that, oh God, if only. Right, don't wait to be happy until you think that you are in the perfect grade assignment, or with a better admin, or with a perfect class of students. Right, we're never going to have the perfect class of students, right, or with different parents or in different school, right, or a different grade team. The tendency is to think the grass is always greener. Listen, here's the truth. The grass is green where you water it. Okay, invest in where you're at, let the rest go. Especially, you know, in education we have everything as a 180 day shelf life, right? I always found that very reassuring that I would say, hey, 180 days, whole new group of students, right, whole new adventure. So, but for 180 days you're in the grade you're in. Right. Very few people are changing grades in the middle of the year or breaking their contract. Right, you got the admin you got. You got the students you've got. Make peace with where you are. Make the best of where you are. Start nurturing where you are instead of always thinking it's going to be better somewhere else. Okay, where you're at right now you have the capacity to take control, to be empowered, to make the best of the situation and to have a great year. Okay, it might be more stressful or more challenging than other years, but you still have the opportunity to make it good. Don't be living in that kind of hamster wheel that we get where we keep thinking I'll be happy when right, oh, I'll be happy when I have a different grade. I'll be happy when you know I'm tenured, I'll be happy when it's summer, I'll be happy when I'm retired. I mean, my gosh, you can't keep putting it off. Be happy where you are, find a way to decide to be happy and find a way to make the best of what you have when you're in it. I find it, like I said, I find it especially prevalent in schools that a lot of teachers are like if I was in a different grade, if we had different curriculum, like if, if, if. There's a million ifs, right, be happy where you're at. Alright, oh, this one's so powerful. Now, these are kind of all out in order, but this one's so powerful, this one I remember so much. So this was chapter 89. And this was really mind blowing to me to think about this If someone throws you the ball, you don't have to catch it, or, less, nicely said, you don't need to show up to every fight you're invited to, okay, especially if that fight isn't even about you. We get all bent out shape about stuff that is happening to other teachers right Now. If it's your teacher, bestie, absolutely. Man we ride at dawn. Who've I got to go get right? If something bad happens to your teacher bestie, you're backing them up, but so many times there's other things that are happening, other parts of campus, other grades, and you know, when you catch that ball and you get all fired up about it and all riled up about it, but you're not actually going to take action on it, you're just going to what I call admire the problem. All you've done is add negative energy into it, brought yourself down and you've not really achieved anything. Right, leave it to the union, leave it to someone else. I mean, if you're that person that you're going to take action, absolutely please. The world needs activists, don't be passive. But if we're honest, a lot of things that we catch balls about like, oh, we heard that this kid did that or this teachers feeling this isn't fair, or this is happening in another state, and you know all those things we get brought up about, stuff that really doesn't concern us and really is just not helping us feeling powered to change the things that we can change, right, so you know that, just that whole tendency to jump on board Someone else's problem we tell the students that all the time, right, like, stay in your lane, stay in your lane. And I think, especially now, you know social media is the greatest agitator of this right. This is getting harder and harder to avoid. You know, when I think myself of like the algorithms on social media, like I'm not huge, I really, for my mental health, I like to stay away from social media but at the same time, like I have a message I want to put out there and you know I have programs and things that I want to use to help support teachers. So I do need a platform, a little bit of one. But when I think of something like tick tock, I can put up a video. That's all very positive and here's some steps and here's some scripts and boundary scripts and here's how you can find some more joy in your day. And I'm telling you like crickets, yeah, good luck, eight people seeing that, you know, and three of them I'm probably related to. But if I make a tick tock on something controversial, if I make a statement like wow, you know, like I can't believe this to be a place where we can ban books but we can't ban assault rifles. Thousands, hundreds of thousands of people are seeing that that's the way the algorithm is right, controversial content, things that agitate people and get people fired up or, as they like to say, engaged, but it's not helpful. So, really, if you find yourself getting triggered, really all upset about things that don't have too much to do to you or, more importantly, that really you aren't in a position to influence in any way, then try and remind yourself of this. If someone throws you the ball, you don't have to catch it Okay, and it's more than than just you know getting overly invested in other people's problems. It also has to do when somebody's negative to you and they made a bad comment to you. Just don't get defensive. You don't, I don't, I don't need to engage in that right. All right. Next one we're up to my fourth favorite, I believe Spend a moment every day thinking of someone to thank. Now, I know that sounds so simple. Simple can be transformative. Trust me, wrote a whole book on that, so I'm thinking every day of someone to thank. It does a couple of things. One, it shares the love, right. It's putting some positivity out into the world. To you thinking about it all, who am I gonna thank today? And the trick is find someone different every day. Always be thinking the same person. Find someone different. Now your brain is more positively focused. Right, you're on the lookout. Is this the person? Is this the person? There are so many people we can thank. Right, step out of the usual light, of course. Yes, thank the secretary, thanks the custodian. I'll never forget one morning. I used to love to go to school early, lived close to school, walked to school, love to get that their sunrise. I know that's crazy, right, but I'm a morning person. Get it all done in the morning, leave right when the kids leave. That's why I like to do. But I was often the only person that was me in the janitor and I remember and that one morning it was so cold outside and foggy and I was making a coffee maker, my room and I used to make my morning coffee. When I got to school and I saw him out there and his little golf cart going around cleaning up, making sure everything was perfect, and I just went outside to my son. He got coffee. He said but I'm busy. I said no, no, no, I'll make you to go. Come so close to the car, put the lid, the whole bit. Honestly, he told me thank you for that so many times, like it was such a small thing to just notice somebody and say, hey, thanks for all that you do. It can be anyone. And the bus drivers there, custodians, the support staff for the power, professionals, you know what, the kids, the parents. Right, it's so easy, it is so quick to send a quick text. You know before you would like, not want to make a quick phone call, cause you know then the person will keep you on the phone forever. We don't have to worry about that. Now send a text. Most of us have classroom communication apps right now. Phone Send a quick text. If you have littles, send it to the parent. Hey, I wanna tell you how much I appreciate Johnny is always to school on time. His homework is always done, his bags always organized. I know a lot of that is you. I appreciate it. Right, thank a parent, right? Yeah, you might be thinking, was the job they should do that? Yeah, but so many don't. You probably spend a lot of energy complaining about the people who don't worry about thanking the people who do so. Obviously, if you have older kids or the grades you know, you know thank in the parents, but you get creative and challenge yourself. I really think thanks somebody, even if it's just an email that came from district office, from HR, whatever you know. Just a quick reply. Hey, I appreciate how you know polite your ways are. In your emails, whatever, think of something. It's probably a thankless job and being at the district office I would like I would think so. Anyway, that's it. Just spend a moment every day thinking of someone to thank it is really good for them. Obviously, people love to hear thank you and compliments. It's good for you, it is good for your mental health. Lots of research on that. Alright, here's one I love. We're gonna call this and this is number five. It's in chapter 98. Look for the extraordinary in the ordinary. Now listen, this was one of the reasons that I loved being in teaching, especially with the littles. Right, we would go on, I notice and I wonder Walk right, we call that science right whenever the energy in the room. If it was just a beautiful sunny day, we needed a, you know, a change of pace, change of energy. So let's go outside. And I train them. It's a notice and I wonder walk and you. We would walk and we would just. Maybe we take our journal and draw the picture right, but like, just notice something and be like cuz. Really, that's the basis of all science, right, we all know the apple fell from the tree. I wonder why it felt down and didn't float up. Right, that that's the curiosity of a child. One of my favorite quotes is Albert Einstein, who said there's only two ways to look at the world Either nothing's a miracle or everything is right. And I find that children still have that wonder and, as adults were so busy dealing with all the stuff and all the things and all the papers and the grading and the Emails and the behavior nonsense and all those things, we, if we step away from that wonder, and it really contributes to a burnout. Okay, I just, I mean just the same, look I am in. Or If we even stop and think for one second, look, we are on a rock that is spinning in this vast universe and is held in perfect proximity To our energy source by an invisible force. I mean, start, right there, we stand in on a rock. When I think, I look at my phone. And this is as a child who, if I had to write a report in school, I had to go to the library and go to the reference room and get out the encyclopedia and hope nobody else was looking at that particular letter If I wanted to write it on. You know I don't know rodents. Hopefully nobody else was writing a report on you know rainbows, otherwise I couldn't do it. Somebody had the R right like and yet in my pocket now in my pocket, in my hand, I've access to pretty much all the knowledge in the world, like it's a miracle right. And I think that the older we get, the more we need this wow factor to find something Incredible. But you know, children's find sent me, sent a piece to miraculous, and they are right. So really Come back to this idea that look for the extraordinary in the ordinary. Set your radar for like wow, what great is going to happen today? What are we gonna discover? And that child like wonder, I think is is one of the things that I found kind of disappearing out of education the last few years. I was there Anyway. Alright, so so far, let's go and look at what the habits I think are the most helpful for you. So one, let go of the idea that gentle, relax, people can't be super cheevers, number to be happy where you are. Number three, someone throws you that ball. You don't have to catch it. Visualize it. Visualize that ball come into you and, instead of you putting your hands out instinctively to catch it, just put your eyes down, drop that ball Hopefully was rubber roll away, wasn't glass. It won't smash, smash, alright, then number four think of Take a moment to thank somebody every day. And number five look for the extraordinary in the ordinary. Now I'm gonna give you a bonus one. A bonus one Now, this is the work of a lifetime, but I remember being introduced to it through this book and it really has been helpful for me. And this was chapter number fifty one. Just for fun, agree with the criticism directed towards you and watch it go away. I really remember thinking that, like what? No, what would I agree when people are criticizing me? You know, first off, that's a lot of energy Right being directed, being defensive. You're not gonna change anybody's mind about anything. So for me, first of all, I would just laugh to people and say how you probably right, right, I'll tell you I'm and this is true All my words most people can land an airplane in less space than it takes me to parallel park. No, seriously, and it's really embarrassing cuz you know, I learned to drive in London and you know London, you had to parallel park all the time. I'm reversing to a spot. I mean it was part of the driving test, you know, and it was in a stick shift and I guess I could do it then with my mini Cooper. But then I got to, you know, america and we all got used to our automatic cars and every time I park somewhere it's usually in a strip mile or something, a parking lot, where you just you know you don't have to parallel park and Whenever I would park, even sometimes when they're alliance and I just need to pull up inside them. I mean it's embarrassing and people would criticize my parking and I'd be very defensive about it. And then I just decided, you know what, I am not good park I just, like you know I just I just laugh it off when somebody says something. I just say you know what, I've got other gifts and I do Right. And you know, now I've been driving 40 years. I've never caused or been in a serious accident. You know it's probably better than you know my tendency to have to drive around a little longer cuz I'm like you know, I can't get the car in that spot. Okay, so just for fun, sees agree with criticism. Think about it. When somebody says something to you oh, you did this, you did that, or you always this, or is that? That's his more about them Then it does about you. So rather than get defensive you know you don't have to, you know be submissive. Look, all you're right, I'm so sorry. You don't need to apologize, sloth off and just say, yeah, let me think about that. Maybe you're right. Okay, maybe that's your key phrase for this week. Let me think about that. Maybe you're right. You're not admitting to anything, but you just not letting it get your wound up, alright. Well, hopefully you found that helpful. All one again, really simple strategies. But you know, when you constantly, it reminds me right of. I had this student in my class and he was On the autism spectrum and he had a full time aid for a few hours in the morning. And I remember one time, you know I'm sure she had been taught to say this to him, but she got a little child, you know, and you get to point to his feelings and he'd be spiraling and she'd say is this big stuff or is this little stuff? You know, come on, man, it was all the same name, whether it was somebody else, had the orange crayon and he wanted that orange crayon, or whether it was like one time he literally threw my teaching projector against the wall. It was all big stuff to him, okay, but so we have got to learn. In our minds we have this, just like this trigger response to everything. Let's try and like live life a little less frantically, a little more gently, and try and differentiate, even if it's just that simple question. You know what, a month from now, year from now, well, this really matter, and so I wish you a piece in your day. I'm sure there've been many instances of small stuff hopefully not too much of the big stuff, and I look forward to talking to you again next week.