Setting Boundaries to Avoid Teacher Burnout: 5 Misconceptions That Are Holding You Back

Okay, educator friends. Here we go. What if you know that you should probably be setting healthier boundaries in all areas of your life, not just at school, but you're not sure how? What? Isn't setting boundaries aggressive? What? Oh, it's not in my nature. You know, I can't control other people's behavior.

Listen, I have heard it. it all. I have said it all. I was the biggest people pleaser  of all time. I have learned better. I do better. My life is  exponentially better since I learned to set healthy boundaries. Not only is setting healthy boundaries essential to you avoiding burnout in education, it's also if you learn to do it appropriately and professionally, it is a very loving thing to do.

It makes you. way more effective in your role. So in this episode, we're gonna look at the five big misconceptions that hold us back around setting boundaries. I can't wait to get to it.  Welcome to the Balance Your Teacher Life podcast. Where we talk all things, avoiding educator burnout, setting healthy boundaries, and achieving better work life balance.

If you're passionate about education, but tired of it consuming your whole life, you have found your home in the podcast universe. I'm your host, Grace Stevens, and let's get going with today's show. 

All right, we're gonna start with a quote from. Really just such a wonderful influence in my life and so many lives from the wonderful Brene Brown who said, Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others.  Right? The courage to love ourselves, that takes courage.

Especially as educators, when everything that we hear should be about self sacrifice, and it should be for the students, and this is a vocation, not just a job, right? When we get all that messaging. And...  Even when we risk disappointing others and I think that is really at the heart of what holds many of us back from wanting to learn how to set boundaries.

Yes, I said learn. It's a skill that needs to be learned. We just don't want to disappoint others. Okay, so let's look at The five misconceptions, the top five at the end, you've got to wait to the end. I got a bonus tip. Five magic words are going to bail you out out a lot of stuff, a lot of stuff, especially if you have a hard time saying no when extra duties are piled onto you.

Okay. So that's coming up as a bonus at the end, but here are the five misconceptions that people have about setting boundaries. Number one,  you know, I hear this all the time. Like, I can't control other people's behaviour. You don't understand. That's not going to work with my admin or with my teammates or even, yikes, with my spouse.

You're right. Come on now. I've lived enough life to know you cannot change other people and what they do. So here's the misconception. Setting boundaries isn't about other people at all. It's not about getting other people to do things. It's not about manipulating or controlling their behavior.  Setting  appropriate boundaries is about your behavior, what you're willing to. 

Sacrifice. Tolerate. Your preferences. Your desires. Okay, when I coach teachers, I have a whole module in my Balance Your Teacher Life course, a  lot of videos on this setting boundary piece and one of them is all around this concept of the language you use always begins with I.  I'm doing this. I'm willing to tolerate that.

Here's how I'm going to operate. Okay, so in your own mind, you are telling yourself, listen,  I am unwilling to put in X amount of hours. I'm unwilling to work, you know, on weekends, after 9 p. m.  All the things. Now, these aren't how you're going to communicate those boundaries, but in your mind, it's about your behavior, right?

Let me give you an example.  An example was over  20 years in the classroom,  I brought into play the experience that I'd had in the corporate world for 13 years, which was I dealt with a lot of really angry, hostile, annoyed, aggressive people in the business world. It was just the business I was in. Okay, so I don't want to say that's how the parents were.

Once in a while, there was a parent tried to push me around. Less parents than tried to push younger educators around, I would like to say. I don't have a look about me that says I'll be easily intimidated, I guess. Maybe because I was older when I started teaching.  But one of my boundaries for myself is I wouldn't let a parent I, I would certainly let a parent feel their feelings.

I would empathize, you know, good listener, all the things, diffuse the situation. I have a lot of skills in that department and I'm happy to say that I do have some good communication skills but sometimes, very rarely, but sometimes there would be a parent who would be, you know, hostile, angry, rude, loud, shouting, threatening.

Swearing. So there is my boundary. I'm not gonna let myself be verbally assaulted, abused. So I would set a boundary. I would say now, clearly easier if it's on the telephone than if the person's away from you, but if the person's in front of you, which I have had before I did, step away. And I would just say, you know what, it sounds like we're both, try and diffuse, we're both a little heated right now. 

I, right? I language. It's about my behavior. I don't feel we can continue to be productive at this time. I am stepping away or I am ending this conversation  until  we have both calmed down and we can communicate effectively. That's it. I'm not saying you're being aggressive, you don't, you shouldn't be talking to me that way.

I am just going to set a boundary. I'm willing to continue this conversation while the language is unprofessional, while the tone is aggressive, like keeping it neutral,  right? It's not about the other person. Don't attack the other person. You're doing this, you're doing that. These are facts. The tone is aggressive,  right?

So, that's a boundary. Okay, it's about my behavior. I'm unwilling to continue this conversation at this time. My behavior. I language. Okay, so that's misconception number one. That, oh, you can't change other people. Correct.  You cannot change other people. You gonna drive yourself crazy trying. So  you gotta manage your own behavior and what you will tolerate.

So that's misconception number one, that boundaries are about other people and you can't control them.  Misconception number two is, oh my gosh, it's just not in my nature, I could never do that.  Okay, I understand that.  As a whole, hate to generalize, but you know, no one's going to say, gosh, Grace, you're making this up.

Look around, look at your own experience, look at your own campus. Who does education attract? It attracts people who want to help, right? We're helpers, we're fixers. In a lot of ways, when we got here, not now, now we're a bit jaded, right? A lot of us,  but when we got here, we were really optimistic that, you know, you know, education, providing a really good educational, providing  critical thinking skills, encouraging that is really at the root at solving all the world's problems, right?

And so it. Education as a whole attracts people who are, you know, we're nice people, we want to help, we, we want to help, we want to make impact. Conflict does not come naturally to us, right? Most of us would rather kind of diffuse the situation, harmonize everything, can't everybody please just get along, right?

We are people pleasers, conflict avoidance.  It's not necessarily in our nature to advocate for ourselves and push our own needs forward. Okay, so I understand that that might not necessarily be in our nature, but I'm here to tell you that's a misconception, because setting boundaries is a skill like anything else.

You can learn it. There's a formula. There are scripts.  You can learn how to set boundaries. Now, not all at once on the same day. You're not going to flip the switch on your whole operating system and how you work in the world. But as you set smaller boundaries in kind of lower stake situations and you get your confidence about you, you will learn that pretty soon,  a lot sooner than you think.

It will become second nature.  Right, that you will have this confidence and the experience that you have proven to yourself, not because I'm telling you, but because you're going to prove to yourself that when you do set boundaries, hey, your life is better. I mean, that's the bottom line. I could tell you all, you know, the psychological talk for that, all the different jargon, but I'm just going to say it is is.

Your experience of life is going to get better when you stop feeling resentful, because that's how you're going to feel, that you get pushed around, right? And kind of low key disappointed in yourself. How many times have we had that experience? That you know that somebody crossed a boundary. for you and you didn't do anything about it and afterwards you're like doubly mad.

One, because the boundary was crossed and two, you're disappointed in yourself.  Right? Let's go back to Brene Brown's quote, we've got a risk of disappointing others. At a certain point in your life,  you decide it's better to disappoint others than to disappoint yourself.  I gotta say that. That's what life experience has taught me, and chances are I'm probably older than you.

Okay, so, misconception number one, right, was that we can't change other people's behavior. Good, you don't need to. Setting boundaries is about your behavior. Misconception number two, it's not in my nature. Good news, it's a skill. It can be learned.  Misconception number three,  people will judge me.  Right, they'll think I'm inflexible, they'll think I'm lazy, they'll think I'm not committed.

Okay, here's what I'm going to tell you.  First off,  who cares? Now, that takes you a long, long, long life to get to the point of who cares, right? What other people think of you is really on them and not on you. Okay, but we do function in the world and we do function on a campus where, you know, optics, how we are perceived It's important, but I'm here to tell you people are not going to see you as inflexible, lazy, and not committed.

They're probably going to be, you know, low key in awe of you. Wow. Gosh. Wish I knew how to set boundaries like that. Let's go back to my previous example. Do you think your admin would prefer you going to the office and saying, Hey, just a heads up.  Mr, let's call him Mr. Smith, you know, was having a discussion with Mr.

Smith. He got very aggressive, the tone was not helpful. I didn't feel it was going to be very resourceful. I want you to know I stepped away from the conversation.  And You know, I'm going to wait till it comes back. I'll re engage with him and see if I can fix the situation. Okay, do you feel that's more professional?

Then, if you continued along that path with Mr. Smith, where he would probably have gotten more angry, you would have risked saying something, eventually getting pushed to the point where you would either hang up the phone, which is not professional.  Yell back, right? That's good. An  admin doesn't want to deal with that.

Now they've got to like calm everybody down, apologize on your behalf. I don't ever want somebody else apologizing on my behalf, right? So you setting a boundary is the professional thing to do. People will judge you as, Wow, she knows how to set boundaries, good for her. Okay, if you're afraid, if you have some insecurity about you that people would think you're lazy and not committed, then that, my friend, I'm going to say it with love on my heart, even though you, some people are going to not be happy with me for saying this, that's a you problem. 

You feeling insecure that maybe you don't do enough? What are people going to think of me? That's a you problem. Look at yourself, look at how you function and how you regard your contributions. I was always very confident that my North Star, that my guiding principle was set in the right direction. And it was set in the direction of student success. 

Students feel safe with me.  Students have the opportunity to be successful with me. Students believe I have expectations for them and that I will help them reach their potential. That was my guiding star, not will. Board members think I'm, oh, I'm the last car in the parking lot. That teacher works so hard, right?

Like I knew I myself, I had a confidence inside myself that I knew that my priorities were straight. And I had to let go.  Always being professional, of course. But at the same time, let go of any insecurity that people were judging me. Okay? All right.  Misconception number three, that people will negatively judge you.

Okay, I'm going to tell you, if there was a teacher on campus who I knew, who always, their kids tested well, you know, that's what, what what admins and teachers are looking at, excuse me, parents are looking at, right? Their kids performed well, their kids seemed happy, engaged they were passionate about teaching, they always left campus at a very reasonable hour.

Right? I'm not judging them for that. I'm like, yeah, what kind of secret have they figured out that I need in my life? Right? So let that go. All right. Misconception number four  is that boundaries and setting boundaries is selfish.  Right, that we have bought into this kind of teacher myth of self sacrifice, that we need to sacrifice everything on the altar of, you know,  school success, student success.

Setting boundaries is not selfish. Setting boundaries is in fact one of the best things that you can do for yourself, more importantly for your students. You know what I say, your energy teaches more than your lesson plans. Your students would rather have a teacher who is  passionate Energized. And when I say energized, I'm not saying you're not tired.

Come on, man. You know, I've been tired since the 80s. I don't know what else to say to you. I raised kids. You know, I function in the world, commute, pay my bills. We're all tired, right? It's not that energy. It's the energy of like, I'm passionate. I believe in you. I believe you can achieve at high levels. I'm here to support you.

That's a very different energy that you bring into a classroom than the teacher who comes in overwhelmed, burnt out, resentful, overextended, impatient, like just got that air of like, just try me. Right? You know, you know, that kind of energy that there's the teachers who are kind of, you know, wishy washy and let people, you know, stomp all over them.

That's not good. No boundaries there with you. We do classroom management.  That's a horrible day in the classroom. Then you got the teacher who  kind of has an insecurity about their ability to set boundaries because they give off that energy like you just tried me and guess what happens? Kids are gonna test the waters, right?

That's what we call an avid researcher. Huh, is she really gonna lose her cool today or isn't she? It becomes a challenge, becomes a game.  Also a bad way to be in the classroom. Not a happy day in the classroom, right? So boundaries are not selfish. Ensuring that you do not burn out. That you are not constantly, you know, overextended, exhausted, resentful of all the things that you have to do.

Annoyed at others, and more importantly, annoyed at yourself, right? That you agree to stuff you don't want to do. That is a horrible way to get through life, and it's not effective in the classroom, and it is your responsibility as a professional.  Two set healthy boundaries to make sure that you don't get to that point.

Okay,  so what are our four misconceptions so far? One, I can't change other people.  You don't have to.  Two, it's not in my nature.  You can learn it.  Three, people would judge me.  That's a them problem, not a you problem.  Four, boundaries are selfish. Not true. Setting professional boundaries is your responsibility and in fact a loving, caring thing to do.

Okay?  Number five.  Misconception. I would feel too guilty. I could never. Right? I could never. Yeah. Let's go back to Brene Brown's lovely quote. Daring to set boundaries about having the courage to love ourselves. Even when we risk Disappointing others. You can't let guilt or a fear of disappointing others override, let others override your personal limits, right? 

Where did we get this idea that it's our job to fix every problem in education? It is not,  right? We were hired to be teachers, if you're a teacher. If you're an admin, you are hired to be an admin.  You don't have to solve every problem in education. My chief concern was always my classroom, my community, my little kingdom that I reigned over my subjects  as in, I don't want to say like I was queen of the castle, right?

And these are my loyal subjects, hopefully loyal, but you know, looking out for their best interests. I can't, you know, when an, when an admin comes to me. And says, you know, I need you on this committee, which I've got to tell you, one admin asked me to be on this English language learner acquisition, something committee.

Like I speak four languages,  but the one language that I don't speak fluently, you know, 80 percent of the school population.  And about 50 percent of the parents did not engage in English, they spoke in that particular language. I didn't speak that language. They wanted me to head up the committee on all of that.

Like, I'm not even qualified for that. Like, how can I be the best person? I don't even speak that language, right? And I remember I said no to this particular admin and then they asked me again and I said no. I believe I've already declined that request and then they said but I've already told the board you're gonna do that. 

You know, there's a part of me that makes me bite my lip to say that's a you problem.  The fact that you committed me to do something that I'm neither qualified or interested in doing is on you. You need to go to the board. My job is not here to make your life easier. My job is to serve students, right?

Those are all the things I'm thinking.  But, again, I get back to him in writing, right? So now there's a paper trail.  And thanks for thinking about me, as you are aware, right, didn't apologize, no, oh I'm so sorry, like as you are aware.  And then state the facts, right, about the  inappropriateness  of me even being considered based on my lack of speaking the language involved kind of crazy to think about it now, right? 

And then give a student focused reason based on the needs of the students or based on this. And then, you know, what admin can come back to you and say, Oh yeah, no, you shouldn't put the parents first. Right. Okay. Those are skills. These are skills. They teach how to say no. The actual words to use the scripts to use, but here's your freebie.

Use a student centered reason, the student focused reason, right? So it's not your job to fix every problem in education, you know?  We get easily guilted into things, right? I did a huge science program, science fair, astronomy night, all the things for another school that I worked for, for 16 years, because we actually didn't have really, for a lot of that time, a science teacher.

Right? Another teacher would teach art, because we didn't have an art teacher. Or we would put on a winter program, we would all scramble, even though hardly any of us had, you know, kind of, that wasn't our background. But, oh, we wanted kids to have... You know, some kind of exposure to playing instruments, even if it was just a triangle or recorder, because that's all we could have the skills to teach them, right?

It's not, we shouldn't have to do all those things. When someone comes to you, oh, but if you don't do it, the kids won't have it. At a certain point, you know, that's an educational, that's a system.  It's a systemic problem. Like I can't keep, it's like the little boy trying to, you know, that there's a hole in the dam and he's got his little finger trying to stop all the water coming through.

Like we only got so many fingers, right? There's so many holes in the dam of education. It can't just be on our backs running around trying to plug them all.  Okay, so don't get guilted in to doing everything. It's not your job to fix everything in education. You remember your compass, your north star. Okay.

All right. So that was  misconception number five, that you would feel too guilty, right? If you did set some boundaries and say no to some stuff. Okay, so let's recap.  The five misconceptions and then I'm going to give you the bonus tip right now that's going to help you get out of a lot of squeezes until you can, you know, work on your skills.

So number one, misconception, other people won't change. Number two, it's not my nature. Number three, people would judge me. Number four, set boundaries is selfish. Number five, I'd feel too guilty. Hopefully, I have done a good job of like remember Mythbusters? Remember that show? Gosh, used to love that show.

My son and I used to binge on that. So,  hopefully, I've busted those myths. Though, those are myths. You can move past all those. Here's a magic tip.  Five magic words. Five magic words. Now, a lot of times when we think about setting boundaries, we think instead of saying no to things. Right? Somebody's asked us.

To take on yet another committee, another responsibility, and we don't say no to that. Now, I guess I should have made it misconception number six, is that people think setting boundaries is only about setting boundaries on our time. Like, I'm not going to work on weekends, I'm not going  to answer emails past, you know, 6pm.

I'm not going to, you know, leave campus after, I'm not going to stay on campus. Till nine o'clock at night. You should not be the first one there. And the last one out. Listen, if you have the alarm code memorized, friends, if you have the alarm code memorized,  it does not reflect well on your boundary setting skills. 

So, that's misconception number six, is that it's only about setting boundaries on your time. Because I gotta tell ya, to be a boundary all star, you need to know how to set boundaries with toxic people.  Alright. How to set boundaries with what you allow into your beautiful mental space.  Okay, how you're protecting your peace, right?

There's a lot of different things we need to set boundaries with. But anyway, because we're mostly thinking about our time, here are some five magic words to help us when that person...  Well, the first thing is let me think about that and get back to you, right? If you've listened to any of my podcasts.

Coach people, that's their first boundary trick right there. Hey, let me think about that and get back to you, right? Just buy yourself some time. So you can go think about it, you can come up with the right words, you can go look at the scripts if you have a script for it. Okay? So that's number one, is buy yourself some time.

But here's the five magic words. I'm at capacity right now.  I'm at capacity right now. So when somebody comes to you and says, you know, Hey, I want you to take on this extra thing, this extra duty. You just have to say, I'll be honest with you. Let me think about it and get back to you. But  you can get back to somebody and say, you know what?

Truthfully, I am at capacity right now. We know that's a true statement. We're actually beyond capacity. Most of us, I'm at capacity right now. I can't take on another thing without dropping some other priorities.  Let's discuss which you think is most important.  Okay? So that means, if you're going to give me something else to do that takes two hours a week, what are you taking off my plate that's two hours a week?

Because my plate is full.  Now, I know  that you probably know this, but I'm going to keep repeating it, because I think people just say it and like oh yeah, yeah, I know, I know that. Think about it. The average American teacher, and I'm sure it's the same for others everywhere, right? Latest data shows, on average, an American teacher donates 15  hours a week to the U.

S. school system. That's unpaid overtime  that we give, donate, or is stolen from us.  We feel guilted into giving. Every. Single. Week. My gosh, that's, that's like a part time job.  Like, 15, what could you do with 15 hours a week? You know, one time I did the math. I think 15 hours a week, and if you took it to like a 40 hour work week, this and that, it's like,  it was like 32 weeks a year or something. 

Something crazy. I don't remember exactly how many. Someone's going to correct me and say your math is terrible. I just off the top of my head. I didn't want to hit the pause button and figure it out. It's a lot, y'all. 15 hours a week. My God, with five hours a week, that would be one extra hour a week that you could have a hobby or you could take your dog for a walk. 

You actually could help your kids with their homework instead of being overwhelmed and saying, you know, go Google it or gosh Why does that teacher give homework? You could sit down and actually, you know, ask some questions help them out  Right take them to the park play with them It's a lot of binge watching you could do if that's how you like to connect with your partner if you know if that's quality Time with your partner is laying on the couch and watching a movie.

Yeah, that's like a lot of movies. You could be watching  Okay, so  When we think about it just in terms of time, yeah, if I'm already at capacity, I'm at capacity right now. That is just a fact.  It's a fact. You don't have to feel guilty about that. You don't need to have super, you know, emotion about that.

That's not a judgment on your character that, my gosh, this person can't handle being a teacher. Right? Take all, everything that's kind of personal and really emotionally charged out of it and just say, I'm at capacity right now. I, I am unable to take on anything else without taking away something.  Help me.

Right? Let's discuss  what you want me, if you need this to be done, what would you suggest I drop right now? Not in a sarcastic way, but in a really like, let's talk about it. Let's look, let's look at the scope of my things. Okay. All right. So I hope that is all helpful. I want you to know I believe in you.

You can set better boundaries. I probably there was an introduction to this podcast episode.  Maybe it's gone by now. They're called dynamic. What that means is if you're listening to it, you know later on You know months from now then maybe  The podcast would have swapped out the intro in the outro, but there should be a boundary setting quiz on there I'm encouraging people to take that quiz and in case that intro outro isn't there just go to grace Stephens comm forward slash quiz.

It's like an old school, like, you know, oh, if you're old enough to remember Cosmopolitan, ooh, take the quiz, you know, what did you score? Right? You download it to PDF, you add up your points, 20 questions, and you see. You know, how do you rank and where could you improve, most importantly? And I really like it because I designed it specifically for educators to find your blind spots.

So many issues that people have, they don't realize they're a boundary setting issue,  right? When I wrote a book, oh, you know, boundary playbook, when I had a a course all about, you know, bound, setting appropriate boundaries, like so few people.  really understood what it was, like, oh no, I wasn't interested in that because my problem is this.

And then when they told me what their problem was, like, but that's a boundary setting problem.  Right? I think the word, we're getting more used to it now. So go take the quiz. See, where are your boundary setting blind spots? Remember, it's not only about saying no to extra duties. Like, having boundaries, do you over volunteer?

Well, that's over functioning, right? Are you codependent? Listen, I'm not a therapist, neither do I play one on the podcasting waves. I'll be very clear to you about that, but you know, I am a certified life coach. There's a lot of codependency happening in education. Separating your worth from your work, right?

Do you, do people just have so much of their identity tied into the fact of being a teacher that they're just. Unable to set healthy boundaries. Okay, so I just want to let you know, it's a skill. You can learn it. Find out what your blind spots are. With awareness comes choice, right? The problem is for a lot of people, we don't know we have the problem.

Oh, well, once we know we have the problem, then we can like go find some resources to help us fix it.  Okay, so I really encourage people to take the quiz. It takes five minutes. What do you got to lose? It's confidential. It's not an online quiz. I always feel like suspect about those online quizzes, right?

We're like, who's collecting that data, right? I don't want,  I don't want people to know that I'm Crap at setting boundaries.  Excuse my language. Anyway, alright, that's it for this week's episode. I want to let you know your life will be a much, so much better and you'll be such a better educator if you could learn to set appropriate boundaries.

If you're already fantastic in that area, thank you. Thank you for setting a good example to others. I believe in you and until next time, I want to tell you.  Create your own path. Bring your own sunshine. You got this.