Gratitude Practices for High-Achieving Women with Lainie Rowell

0:04 Welcome to Clear is the new Confident. I am Casey Watts, speaker, author and the host of this show. If you are a high achieving, driven woman who has ever replayed a conversation and 2nd guessed everything that you said, or found yourself saying yes to things that you later regret, or have held yourself back from making a bold decision because you didn't think you were credible enough, didn't have the authority, or weren't quite ready, this is the show for you. On this podcast, we are making space for confidence. And it all starts with clarity. Clarity about who you want to be, clarity about how you want to show up, and clarity about what we want from both work and life.

0:49 Now, with all that said, let's dive into today's episode and make some space for confidence. Well, hey everybody, welcome to today's episode. I'm grateful that you were here, and I'm excited about today's conversation because I'm going to be interviewing Lanie Rao. Now, let me tell you a little bit about Lanie, but we're going to give her a chance to share a little bit more about herself, including something that just makes her super relevant and human like the rest of us.

1:30 So Lanie was in the room. Listen to this. This is really cool to me. Lanie was in the room when Steve Jobs launched the iPhone has presented in 41 States and dozens of countries across 4 continents and has even been called very gritty by Angela Duckworth and a Level 5 leader by Jim Collins. And she may also be an exceptionally loud Clapper. And you're going to have to tell us more about that here in a moment. Lady Raul is a best selling author, TEDx speaker, and award-winning educator who helps individuals and organizations thrive by optimizing happiness, relationships, and performance.

2:11 Laney, welcome to the show. Oh, Casey, I am so excited to be here with you. Thanks for. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. So is there anything within that short bio that I didn't get a chance to cover? Including something that makes you just relevant and human like the rest of us? I mean, I think I'd like to talk more about I'm an exceptionally loud Clapper. I want to hear more about it. I mean, that's just like, and people look at like when I'm clapping, I'll be bend or something happening and I'm clapping and people turn their heads and look at me like what is going on over there? How are those two hands creating such tremendous noise?

2:52 And and it's like, I love that about myself. If I'm, if I'm allowed to pump my own tires here, I want to cheer for other people. Like that is the best thing in the world is if you are good at cheering for other people. I think that's like an incredible thing. So I out of all the the things besides, you know, mom and wife and daughter and all those other roles, like especially a lot of Clapper is really high up there. Like do you have AT shirt? I feel like you need AT shirt. Hush friends, that is. I mean I'll after this jumping on Canva. You want to make the T-shirt I'll express shipped, Let you know when I get it. That's awesome, yeah, because then you can be the person in the crowd who not only has a shirt, but there is evidence of the loud clapping.

3:39 And that way when they look at me funny because I'm so loud, which of course, of course, the kids are so embarrassed when I'm the loud Clapper, but I'll just like, point to the shirt and be like, you were warned. Yeah, what's coming? I told you this, I I have the shirt. That says so. Not a surprise I can't now had a disclaimer walking in. Yes. Yeah. Were you, were you told that you were a loud Clapper? Or do you just you just knew it? Oh, no, no, no, I've been told. I've been told. Yeah, and then you recognized it. And now I just, and now I lean into it. So first it's again, kids being embarrassed by how loud I clap. And then there was an event I was at and I happened to be in the back with the AV guys and I was clapping and they all in unison, like looked over at me. And that's when I would like.

4:28 I own this, now this. Is my That's so funny. I love that. OK, so I'm I know that when I go to future events, especially if there's a large crowd, if I hear a loud clap, I'm going to instinctively think is it is Laney in the room? Like where is she? I I love that. I love that for us, yes, that's. Awesome. Yeah, that's a really unique thing that you shared. I, I hear. So I love to ask that question because you know, when you're hearing people from your what, whatever space you're in, when you see them on TV or you hear them through a podcast or whatever, I think we, we are envisioning someone who's not fully human like us. And I love that question because it just makes us so relatable. Like, yes, we do still do.

5:17 We also do embarrassing things or we also have the quirks and the funny things that that make us super relatable. OK, our podcast when I have guests on, as you know, we start with a let me be clear statement. And so I'm going to ask you to think about something you would mic drop if you were to finish off a let me be clear statement. Yes, I would say gratitude is not about ignoring what's hard. It's about refusing to overlook what's good. And there's a difference. And I that is like so important to me to make that really clear. And I think there's a lot of times where it's good to say like what something is and what it isn't. And so to me, that's a really important one. Yeah.

6:10 OK. So let's unpack that a little bit more. When people come to you or you just hear that in in passerby conversations, you hear people talking about gratitude. What are some things that you hear that make you think? We believe that gratitude is ignoring what's hard versus refusing to overlook what's good. Well, I think sometimes we can, you know, it, it feels like there's always the, the pendulum swinging. And so it's like maybe we're in the middle of COVID and, you know, people are like, Oh my gosh, this is just like a terrible time. And some people's reaction is to like, mine was, it took me a little while, but mine was to get to gratitude.

6:58 But some people's reaction is like, no, don't tell me to be grateful. There's something really bad going on. And I agree with part of that. It's actually probably not really helpful when people are going through a tough time to be like, you should be grateful. But it's something we can do for ourselves. And why that statement to me is important is because I'm. I want it to be something we tell ourselves. Like, yeah, doesn't mean ignoring what's hard. This is me refusing to overlook what's good. And I think it's more for ourselves than necessarily something that I would put on to someone else if that means. Yeah, yeah. What is it that made you that makes the statement stand out to you?

7:41 I mean, I know you talked about why it's important, but where did you notice yourself first leaning into this idea? It was really from this phrase even kind of irks me a little bit, but toxic positivity, I thought was being used incorrectly a lot. And to me, this was a way to clarify, OK, we're not talking about gratitude in the sense of toxic positivity. And and Doctor Eliza Pressman has this amazing saying this would be hers. And it's all feelings are welcome, all behaviors are not. And to me, that's kind of along the same lines of like, here's what is good and here's what isn't good, and here's here's what is and here's what it isn't.

8:30 And so, yeah, I think you know what I'm saying. It's like it was just part of this idea of, OK, look, I'm not saying everyone has to be happy all the time. In fact, we're not supposed to be happy all the time. If we were happy all the time, our feelings wouldn't be doing their job because there's signals inside of us. So how can they be really clear about it's not this, but it's this? And that's kind of where I leaned into it. So yeah, and I hope I'm being clear now. Yeah, Yeah, clarity is important and I want to, I want to follow that train of thought a little bit because I do think there is a, you mentioned gratitude doesn't mean that there is the feeling of happiness always.

9:14 Can you distinguish the difference between the idea of feeling happy versus having or being having gratitude actually unpacked that that idea of having gratitude? Yeah. And actually, if you don't mind, I'd love to give the social sciences definition for both happiness and gratitude, if that's love it. So not to do it into like a vocab lesson, but I think I think it's really important to look at what the people who, you know, we have this ancient wisdom, but we also have this whole, you know, realm of social scientists who are really putting it into concrete. You know, they're testing things and then they're putting into concrete language. And so, so happiness is really defined in two parts.

9:57 And so has gratitude. So for happiness, it's happy with our lives and happy in our lives. And it's basically like two different. So one's like a meta. Like I can go, OK, I'm in education. That's a profound and noble profession. I feel good about that. I'm, I'm happy with my life, right? I'm happy with my family. You're not going to be happy with all of those all of the time, but mostly you're happy with your life and then happy in your life is that again, you're not happy feelings all the time, but more often than not, you do have pleasant emotions. So that's happiness.

10:40 It's having both happy and happy with our lives. And then gratitude is 2 parts because gratitude is notice the good, acknowledge the source. And why that's important is because we wanna notice the good, obviously, but we need to see where is this good coming from? And this, and I wanna be really clear about this, doesn't mean you have to be self effacing and never take credit for the good that you do, but it's important to acknowledge where does that good come from because it is often outside of ourselves. Not always, but a good amount of the time it comes from outside ourselves. So gratitude comes in two parts.

11:22 Notice the good, acknowledge the source. And then what I would love for people to do is to, this is something I'm working on and it's, I think it's a continuous work in progress, but I don't want to just feel grateful because feelings are fleeting, right? I want to be grateful. So it's, it's not like I feel grateful. It's, I am grateful. It's where I start from. It's the letters I view the world through. And it's the difference between, again, that fleeting emotion and a disposition. I want to have a grateful disposition. I encourage other people to have a grateful disposition because I know all the benefits which are not only mental, but physical and we don't reducing stress and regulating emotions.

12:10 And there's just like improving sleep. There's it's wild. Again, we had this ancient wisdom that told us gratitude was important. And then now we have the science to back up like, oh, it's actually very important and it's actually very effective. And again, physical health, so. Yeah, that's, that's awesome. Tell us a little bit about because you mentioned it's something that you're working on what and I would imagine this is something that you that becomes a habit as you practice it. So what are some practices that you or you encourage others to implement to practice gratitude? Well, one thing I want to be clear about is to me, there's a difference between a habit and a ritual. So for me, a habit is something that you're going to do kind of automatically without thinking.

13:02 So I have a habit of brushing my teeth before I go to bed and in the morning too, just to be cleared twice a day, blossing as well. These are all habits. I kind of mindlessly do these things, right? Wash my hands after cooking or things like that. But a ritual to me is something that you want to be really present for. You're not on autopilot. You're really leaning into this. So for me, gratitude rituals, and we can call them practices, that's great. You can call them mental exercises. If practices isn't your vibe, that's totally fine too. But basically there's so many different ones and I think about them in kind of two categories of like here's a, here's kind of a, a quick gratitude practice and here's a deep gratitude practice. And when you want to do a, a deep gratitude practice, and I can give you a few different ones, but the structure of it is something I get from Doctor Who Song out of University of North Carolina.

14:08 And it's 4 parts. It's notice, think, feel and do. So there's a mental practice I could take us through, a mental exercise I could take us through if you wanted to do that. But basically you're just like, what do I notice? OK, what is good? And then think about this is the you're actually hitting the two parts of the gratitude definition right away. Notice, think about where did it come from? And then take it further though, like how does this make me feel and try and get really granular. Like that emotional granularity of like this makes me feel like I belong. This makes me feel connected. This makes me feel appreciated. This makes me feel honored.

14:51 Like whatever it is, try and get into those feelings. And then the do is it can be tricky. It can be tricky to someone like me because I struggle with indebtedness, so when someone pays me a compliment, I have to resist the urge to give it back 10 times. Like, are you in touch with this Casey? Do you feel this? Oh, 100%. So for the do what I tell people like us, Casey, is what if we could channel that in some other way? So for example, I, I had, I was in charge of a meeting for 600 people yesterday. It was actually one where I wasn't on the stage, but I was helping the people on the stage and I got really positive feedback and it was so uncomfortable. I was just like, how do I accept this? And you know, I work on it and and there are times where I'm really good at it, but this was not a me alone event. There were a lot of people.

15:52 So for me to channel that was the do was thank you. And I just want to be really clear here are all the people Greg helped with AV and made sure the comms was correct. Like, and I'm like bringing other people into it. So the do that's not taking away from what they're acknowledging. It's bringing other people into it. Had to pay it forward. Take that energy that is burning inside me and, and, and put it towards something else. Like my daughter did something really, it was a simple thing. She borrowed my hair dryer this morning. She put it back, he says. She's a teenager. He put it back. I didn't even ask her. And I was just on like this high from yesterday and I'm like, I got a jail. And then just some real appreciation for my daughter doing this incredible thing.

16:39 And she put it. Back like. Yeah, great thing. So, but so whatever the practice you do, if you want to make it deep, notice, think, feel and do, there's a great practice in my bold gratitude journal called Mental subtraction. It takes a little bit of time. I don't know if we have time to do it here. If we do end up having time, I'd love to walk you through it. But really just those 4 components are going to be the like the ultimate gratitude experience. So let's do it now. Let's go for it. Yeah, So what I would invite you, Casey, and anyone listening who wants to participate. And they have the advantage, Casey. I'm not going to give us a ton of dead air. So you're going to be kind of on the fast track for this one. But for those who aren't listening, they've got a pause button, right?

17:24 They can just pause and do this with us. So OK, it's called mental subtraction. Now you can do it for a person in your life. You could also do it for an event that was really significant and important in your life. So let's do it for a person. And this is an invitation to anyone listening to think about who is a person in your life that makes your life better. They're currently in your life. They make your life better. You cherish them like you're so glad they're in your life. You have that person, Casey. I have that person. OK, if you're if you're doing this with us and you want to, you can pause and write it down. The social scientists will tell you we're going to get a bump from actually, you know, putting it to that concrete language, writing it down or typing it out.

18:10 But for our purposes, we'll we'll do it out loud. And basically, we've got that person in mind. And now I want you to think about the time you met that person. Like it's a movie in your mind. You're going to rewind and go back to like when you met that person, right? OK. And now this is the part that people are going to get a little mad at me about. But now I want you to think about that meeting not happening. Oh. OK. So like they did not come into your life? Yeah. OK. Did that. How did that, if you don't mind me asking? Easy. How did that feel for you? There was kind of like a look on your face. Was that? Yeah. Unpleasant.

18:51 Can I tell you who my person is, please? Yeah, I So I wrote down my husband. I know that sounds like an obvious one, but I am incredibly grateful for him. So that changes the entire trajectory of my life having not met him. And and that's, that's important, right? So we noticed this is your husband. We think about how did he come into my life? Where's the source? You know, and OK, so now I'm asking you to, OK, I'm going to age myself. There's a movie called Sliding Doors with Gwyneth Paltrow. She makes the tube or she doesn't and her life changes traumatic dramatically based on that, right? So, so you don't meet your husband now, as you already pointed out, like what are all the ripple effects?

19:33 What changes in your life because if your husband is not in your life and, and we won't, I know dead air is not great. So later on and for those of you who are listening, pause. But right, really write down like all the things that would have been so different. Take the time to lean into how different your life would be. I'll, I'll give you an example because I have done this for my husband as well. And so I am a religious person. I have always been a person of faith, but my husband. Was the one who brought me back to practicing in a way that feels truer to how I believe. And so yeah. So that would be a really cool thing. So that was it's a very big difference in my life right. That's just one thing and there's and there's also like the way he supported me in my career. Anyways, we won't turn this into my husband is up first native, but but he kind of and so OK, so now you've like that sucks like this is what my life would look like without this person. And here's some good news like bring them back. They're now they're back in your life as they always happen. And how does it make you feel that they're in your life? That's so good.

20:46 I mean, I want to describe how and I, I'm sure listeners, you probably know the feeling I'm talking about, but it's like a feeling of swelling in my chest. But you know that but a swelling that's just positive and gives me energy and love and feeling, feeling the feelings that I really want to the positive feelings that I really want to go for. Yeah, and and there's this thing called the hedonic treadmill, hedonic adaptation, which is we get used to the good in our lives. And so the a practice like this pulls us out of the I'm used to this and into really noticing.

21:27 And so again, we've already done the notice, the thing, the feel. And then the next one is the do so Casey or listeners, if you're not near the person, you don't need to wait for the fancy thank you notes. This is a barrier that I've had throughout my life is they go, oh, as soon as they get to my pretty cards, I'll make sure and write something gorgeous. And when what I really need to do is just send the the text immediately and, and make sure it's really specific and authentic and just be happy that they're going to be so happy with it. They're not going to be like, can't believe this is a text message, why didn't I get a pretty card, You know what I mean? Right, right. Yeah, The card is nice, but the.

22:08 Yeah, but that knowing that someone's thinking about you in the moment can sometimes be even better. Yeah. So. OK, that's awesome. I. And what was that called again? So it has a couple different names. It's called mental subtraction or counterfactual thinking. If you're looking for it in the literature, I call it What If supposed to be that's like the big thing, right? It's like, yeah, this person wasn't really. And then the cool thing is you could also do it like this isn't what I'm going to do every day, but like maybe once a week I would do this and or I do do this. And it doesn't always have to be a person. So it can be an event like for example, well, a big one for me is I was a psychology major and I thought I was going to be a therapist.

22:54 Like that was the path I was on. And then for my field hours, I was actually placed in a non public school, which is basically a school that serves learners with special needs at on like severe, like mod to severe. And I fell in love with being in a school and I was not a good student. Let me be clear, like I'm a good learner, but I was not a good student and so I did not ever anticipate. I'm spending my entire adult and you know, career in education, but I fell in love with that. So if I hadn't done my field hours, which honestly, I chose being in that school because it was walking distance to San Diego State, but if everywhere else, I would have had to get the car and drive. So and the lady has paid off.

23:38 And if I hadn't done those field hours and we wouldn't probably be talking right now, I wouldn't have been an educator. Like I might have gone on to be a therapist. And I don't know, that doesn't feel like that's the right fit for me. So so you could do this practice for a person or an important event. Yeah, that's awesome. What is it that you feel like that practice has helped you most with? Well, I will tell you that practice, it actually helped me. I helped me with forgiveness. There was someone that, that did something to me that I, I would say, I think most people would say it raised to the level of betrayal and I was on a path to forgiving them already. And I just, I just like wasn't totally there. And I, and I thought, you know what? I'm going to, I'm going to do some mental subtraction because, you know, none of us are perfect. We all make mistakes.

24:32 And I actually went through the practice for this particular person and it really helped me heal. Wow, not to be woo woo, but it really makes a difference because, you know, whether it's just that we that it's natural to take people who are close to us for granted or it's kind of this extreme that I experienced where I was actually able to help use, you know, for forgiveness. It's just a really powerful practice and it's one most people don't know about. So it's the one I like to share the most. Yeah, yeah, I love that. I can. I can see myself using that in so many different situations, especially now that you've mentioned that you've used it with someone to help you forgive and move through that process, that that makes so much sense.

25:18 And I feel like it could be so powerful. But also, it's really challenging to be grateful when you are harboring feelings of resentment or frustration or anger or any of those things. And I think sometimes they show up even when we're not necessarily thinking about the thing in the moment, It's still showing up in the background and in our subconscious. And and let's let's go back to my let me be clear, it's not about ignoring what's hard. I am not ignoring what this person did that I felt was a betrayal. But I'm also not going to ignore what the good is. I'm not going to overlook the good. And you know, that's we all have to have boundaries. And I, I don't want to make it seem like, and I never want anyone to think that when we're talking about gratitude, it's about like, well, you're so kind of treat me like a doormat, walk all over me.

26:13 That's fine and grateful. And that's again, part of that. It's not about a boring, it's hard. It's about what's good. So, so good. What is it that makes gratitude hard for people? Well, we talked about the indebtedness and I think that's a big one for kind of a lot of people. I think also I talked about it earlier the some people feel like if I express gratitude, it diminishes my work in this. And again, it can be both, right? It's not an either or and it it just.

26:54 And then also a lot of times, this is my observation. I'm just going to just anecdotally tell you that I think that we project onto other people what our struggles with it might be. So we might hesitate on thanking someone else for something because it would embarrass us if the tables were turned. But yeah. But yeah, it's, yeah. It's this interesting thing where we want to think about how can we express gratitude in a way that makes sense for the person who's going to receive it, not necessarily how I would want to receive it. So some people really like public displays of gratitude. I am a words about formation girl. Like, you can like, get me. You can give me all the compliments you want and say it slowly and loudly like I'm here for it. Yeah, that's not for everyone, right? So it's good to kind of know, and we can't always know, but it's good to be aware that they might appreciate that in a different way.

27:53 So yeah, there's all sorts of, you know, we're all unique and dynamic. There's all sorts of things that can get in the way. But it's a thing that takes like, it can take as little as like a few seconds and we just sometimes stop ourselves. Oh, I don't know if they want to hear this or, oh, you know, maybe there they feel uncomfortable. Yeah. Do you have rituals like at certain parts of the day where you are like, I know a lot of people have, like you have your bold gratitude journal. So is there something like that that you're doing at different parts of your day to bring gratefulness to mind? Well, the interesting thing is the scientists say that doing gratitude even a few times a week is sufficient. I think this is where I'm not going to backtrack on what I said about habits, but I do think having a daily ritual just so you don't forget to do it is kind of nice. But that's only, you know, whatever works. I will tell you that I have.

28:51 OK, I'm sorry, I'm going to be off camera for just a second, but I'm coming back friends. All good all. Good so I created this is kind of my ritual that I do typically before bed. I have these I call them my gratitude die. And so because there's a three things list, right. And so some people have probably heard of this name three things you're grateful for and you still, if you can, if you have time, you still want to go through the notice, think, feel and do for all three of those things. But a lot of times what I hear from people is they get hung up on OK, I'll do a three things list. I am grateful for my health, my family, my job, and then they sit down and do it the next day. I'm grateful for, yeah, still grateful for my health, still grateful for my good job. Oh, my husband made me dad's mad today. Not grateful for incident, but you know what I mean. They slide in something, but they're these big and they're not very specific.

29:45 And so when we express scribe to, we want to do it authentically and specifically. And so to to kind of help Get Me Out of my block and to help generate there's two different dye. They each have six sides. So when you roll them, you're going to get there's 36 possible outcomes, right. So if I roll it right now, I'm going to roll it with you here. It's three kind things on one of them and then three unexpected things. So what are three kind and unexpected things that have happened to me recently? And then I can think of like, Oh my gosh, this person from the communications team sent me a really nice, like, good. Job.

30:25 On what I did and I didn't even know they were noticing, you know, I can go off on like that. And so I I would do the three that way. So this one is these are on my night stand and by the way, this is a free printable on my website. You could just go get this off my website. Just print it out on paper, cut it and tape it up and make your own die. Yeah, I love that. And do you find yourself engaging in some of these rituals more in the evening or in the morning? So I'm not a Mori person, let me be clear. OK. Non morning. So so I am a before bed person, but there's there's benefits to both, right?

31:09 So like when you're morning when you're day. I don't do I tend to do the practice the ritual at night, but I'm also very intentional about my mornings. So for example, I don't keep my phone in my bedroom. I use what's called a sunset or a sunrise alarm clock. Have you seen these? I haven't thought about getting one. I'm going to be a proponent. I'm going to I'm going to I should get an an Amazon influencer link. But how often I have told people about my sunrise alarm clock. I should completely. It is glorious to see. It is like it's waking up and likely gently lights the room like the sun rising.

31:51 It's a bird singing. You can change the cells. I happen to have a bird singing and because I do believe that the first hour of the day, how you spend that is going to impact the rest of your day. If you're a morning person and you want to make your ritual, I will, you know, do my journal with my coffee. That is great. It's not my style, but it is great and it will definitely set you up for a great day. So I'm doing other things to set myself up for a great day in the morning and I I close with the typically the dye, but I, I have my I mean, this is so crazy, but I, this is my journal. I use it. Yeah. I didn't just put it out there for like no reason. Like I couldn't find a journal that had the things I wanted into in it.

32:32 So. I'm yeah. And by the way, listeners, that journal will be in the show like everything we're talking about will be in the show notes. I do love the idea of it just like the dye being there on your night stand, even if you're not actually utilizing them, it is a reminder. So just those cues that you can put in place to remind yourself to, you know, practice gratefulness. I just, while we're talking about when we do this, I, I am a morning person, unless someone wants to talk to me. I, I don't really talk until about 8:30 after I've had my coffee and I've gotten through my morning routine. But I do journal in the morning.

33:17 That's my time to just kind of be, have my quiet time and be by myself. But I listen to a sleep story every night. And the guy who reads the sleep story, he goes through an entire meditative process and a countdown from 12:50 before he starts his story. And one of the things that he's doing is encouraging you to consider, what are you grateful for? And he does get granular with it. And I love that because like you said, I find myself even in my journal sometimes I'm like, I'm grateful for my kids. I'm grateful for. It's just these very broad things that I'm always going to be grateful for, but doesn't really help me to gain the feelings of greatness so.

34:00 Yeah, yeah. Well, you just reminded me of a sleep hack that I often share. I shared it like a year and a half ago, and then a lifelong friend called me up. She's like, we can't talk about anything else until I tell you. You shared this a long time ago. I've been using it. It totally works. And So what it is is that you go through the alphabet thinking about things that you're grateful for. What are you grateful for? This starts with A. SO there's we're we're in a heat wave. So for me, A would be air conditioning, right? Yeah. Like I am so grateful for air conditioning. This thing is amazing. Like it is hot outside and I am in a pleasant climate. And then you go to B.

34:44 For me, B would be books right now. And so the fun thing is, is that you do this and this could be your gratitude practice, but most people don't get very far down the alphabet before they fall asleep. And so it's been really interesting that, you know, it just does enough to distract the brain while also engaging the brain in this intentional gratitude practice. But a lot of people it, it's really helping. So I'm glad you reminded me of that one. I I do use that, not every night, but I do use that. Well, that will be the next thing that I try out because I'm in this phase of I will go to sleep and then I will wake up and I have our time going back to sleep. So I will that will be the thing that I practice and I'll let you know how it. Works now. Yeah. OK, Laney, this has been such a great conversation. If you were to hope the listeners walk away remembering one thing, what might it be?

35:34 Can it be something we haven't talked about? Yes, OK. The, the one thing that I would feel like I didn't disservice if we didn't talk about before I let you go is just the praise of correction ratio. And I think this is probably because the educator in me and the parents in me, and this is actually something I learned about getting my psych degree. And so praise your correction. What do I mean by that? How often are we telling someone the good things we see in them versus the things that they could do better? And when I say craze, I'm talking, again, specific, authentic, not like good. I mean, I'm not saying there's anything wrong with a good job. That's fine. But that's not really the praise that's going to sink into someone so specific and authentic. And I was taught six to one in my psych program. You will hear other social scientists use 5 to 1. There's research to support 4:00 to 1:00. But here's here's the practice that would make this world a better place in my opinion, is if we focused on how often am I telling people the good I see in them versus correcting them. And I think maybe Casey, you and I just being part of the education world, this maybe is something that although it's it's, you know, the Gottman's talk about it for married couples too.

36:50 But it's like we're in the business of continuous improvement as educators. So how do we actually make sure that we're also doing this really important thing of pointing out the good thing? Because I will tell you, in my experience and this research to support this, if I'm just railing on someone, all the things they need to do better, why would they listen to that? That's just white noise, right? Yeah. That's like the the one thing I would say and it's and it just pick one person, maybe pick someone you're in friction with. And again, not to say we don't have boundaries, not to say that there are other people doing things wrong. But for me, I have found often when I'm in friction with someone, my praise to correction ratio is off. And when I adjust it, the relationship improves. Well, that's absolutely my, I mean, I've taken so much from this conversation, but that is the one thing I feel like at the end of this episode, you kind of called me out. Sorry.

37:44 No, it's OK because I just because I have this experience right now. You said you have a teenage daughter. I have a teenage daughter. And so but she's like out of the house and trying to figure out life and college and everything. And I feel like, Oh my gosh, we are, we need to flip the ratio so badly. So you better believe I'm going to remember it for myself, answer it with my husband because now it's not just me, it's both of us. So it's double the amount of correction that's going at her. So yeah, that's been that. That was great. So listeners, man, what a great thing to take away. Among all of the other things that Lanie has shared, Where can people connect with you?

38:29 I would love to connect with people so please reach out. I'm I'm pretty much Laney Raul across the web, which I know is they're both they're both spelling tests. Sorry. The Laney LAIN i.e. and then Raul is like Powell but with an RROWELL. So I'm laneyraul.com on the web, at Laney Raul on Insta and pretty much all the all the places. But Instagram and YouTube are probably where I post most of the content and LinkedIn and LinkedIn I won't, I won't ignore LinkedIn. I love LinkedIn too. So those are the places I'm not and I would love to connect with people. Awesome. And guys, all of that will be in the show notes, so you can be sure to check that out. And thank you so much, Laney for coming on the show. This has been wonderful.

39:13 I so enjoyed our conversation Casey, you're awesome and thank you for doing this. I'm super excited. Clear is the new confident and I can't wait. I hope I get to see the new book soon. I'd love. You yeah, any any time we can all we can say hey, new books coming out. I drop that so that yeah, absolutely OK guys, we will catch you in the next episode. Bye everybody. Thanks friends. Hey listener, I am so honored that you listen to today's episode and I hope you gained something valuable from it. I'd also be honored if you did ME3 solid favors. First, subscribe to this show.

39:54 I've got a lot of great content coming up, and I don't want you to miss any of it. Second, be sure you're following me on social media platforms. You can find me at. Catch up with Casey on LinkedIn or Instagram. And finally, if you were looking to book a dynamic and relatable speaker for your next event, conference, or retreat, I would love to bring a message about how the crash of clarity makes a significant impact on both. Leadership. And life.