When Your Thoughts Hijack Clarity

0:03 Welcome to the Catching Up with Casey show. If you are tired of chasing buy in, frustrated with teams who can't seem to get on the same page, or over the constant struggle of holding people accountable without micromanaging, this is the show for you. I'm Casey Watts, speaker, author and the creator of the Clarity Cycle Framework. I help leaders just like you take teams from frustration to alignment, so teams can work collectively toward a common purpose in a committed way instead of against each other as though they are functioning in different organizations. And we do it all through the craft of clarity. Whether you lead from the middle or you were the front facing leader of your organization.

0:46 On this show, we bring clarity to the seemingly small things in leadership that make the biggest difference, because clarity precedes capacity. Now, with all of that said, let's dive into today's episode. Hey everybody, welcome to today's episode. Is this a solo episode? And I have a kind of random question before we get started. I every time I listen to a podcast, I think about and I listen to podcast just about every single day, including I will listen to my own podcast again just to see what kind of adjustments I want to make or what were the things that we discussed that might be better best for a follow up conversation. Anyway, that doesn't matter.

1:42 What I really want to know, if you're willing to share, is what is your opinion about the intro of a podcast? Are you someone who skips past the intro because you've heard it a million times? Or do you prefer to hear an intro? Would you prefer to hear just like a beginning? Like, hey, welcome to the show. But I'm, I'm just really curious about that. I've been thinking about it a lot lately. So anyway, that has nothing to do with today's episode. Today we are talking about the times where the narratives that you're spinning in your head, your thoughts hijack clarity.

2:24 And so we're going to be bringing clarity to what you can do in those moments. But I want to paint a little bit of a picture for you about what I mean. Now, in this episode, really what we're thinking about is any kind of conversation or meeting that you're about to have that produces these thoughts, that makes things really cloudy for you. So let me ask you this. Do you ever find yourself imagining scenarios that aren't likely to ever happen, but if they did happen, you would know exactly what to say and exact you would come out of this conversation feeling like a baddie.

3:08 And I use that word because I'm not going to use another word on the show, but like you come out feeling like, oh, that was a total baddie movement, right? You imagine these scenarios typically when you're anxious or nervous about something or when you're really peeved about something or someone. And it could be that you're reliving a a meeting that you've had right? Like you, you leave the meeting and you're thinking about all of the things that you wish you would have said or how how it could have gone differently. Or maybe you're preparing for the possibility of someone saying something to you. I remember as a teacher working for a leader that I simultaneously wanted to impress and also didn't like. So this leader who I simultaneously wanted to impress but also didn't like the same time. Have you ever experienced that?

4:05 It's such a strange place to be. She was a master manipulator in conversations, and once I was called into her office for a meeting for which she gave no indication what the meeting was about. I had no idea. It was just that we needed to discuss some things. And I left from her inviting me into this conversation. I, I was thinking, Oh my gosh, what are all the things that I could that I've done wrong? What is it that she wants to talk about? It drove me crazy because I really had no idea. And I imagined all of the things that she might say and how I might respond.

4:46 And the thing about these movies that we play in our heads is that we don't get to, in reality, control the narrative, right? So in our movies that we create, we control the setting, we control the characters, we control the plot. These fictitious mind movies rarely turn out as we plan and they when they don't turn out as we planned, we either leave the meeting or the conversation feeling defeated, or we're creating these new past tense movies that play out how it could have gone differently. And neither of these are helpful.

5:27 Sometimes you go into conversations having prep for the worst and it turns out to be not nearly as bad as you expected. But what I want to say about these movies that we create and we all do it, and I'm I'm prone to it myself, even after years of practicing different techniques, the movies really just create mental chaos. They just create mental chaos. I read a recent study by the American Institute of Stress, they found that 80% of employees report constant productivity anxiety, which is that the idea that you're wrestling with the feeling that there's always more you should be doing. So we've already got that going on. And when you walk into a meeting strike with the this pressure, plus the chaos of this movie you've created in your mind, not knowing how a meeting's going to go, your clarity is compromised before the 1st words are even spoken, right? And when we create these movies, I believe we think we're doing ourselves a favor, right?

6:30 Like we think I'm helping myself out by preparing for what I might say or what they might say or how I'm going to respond to what they might say. But it's really just our survival mode kicking in, right? We're attempting to protect ourselves. We're attempting to gain clarity for an uncomfortable situation for which we don't already have clarity, but what we're really doing is just hijacking clarity. So because we're in survival mode, we lose the capacity to think clearly and act clearly. Today I want us to learn how to shift more into a reflective state, in a state where you have emotional clarity, you have goal clarity, you have role clarity.

7:15 And we're I'm going to be leaning into the work of a few thought leaders like Kate Murphy. You'll hear about a book from her in this episode and the next episode, Susan Scott and Judith Glosser, just to name a few. I'll probably mention a few more. And of course, the content that I'm providing today is pulled from lots of different resources beyond these. But I want to tell you how to get into a reflective state before you go into these situations, into these meetings that you're anticipating an uncomfortable conversation or you just don't know what to expect. Now, next week, let me just let you know. Next week we are going to be talking about what to do during the meeting, like during a difficult meeting or difficult conversation, etcetera. If you're watching live, maybe you're noticing this, but my, my camera is blurring in and out, which is really strange to me. OK, I'm not going to let it bother me. Here we go.

8:13 So how do we gain or how do we get into a reflective state before a meeting, before a hard conversation so that we can gain some sort of clarity? Because we wouldn't walk into these situations with clarity, but there are only certain things that we can have clarity about. OK, here are the three things know that we're going to talk about today. Obviously, there are so many more things, but I'm just talking about 3 right now. Know that the only person you can control is yourself. That's number one. Number two, let go of assumptions and #3 lean into learning.

8:55 So let's unpack each of those. If you have gone through the Clarity Cycle framework training with me or you've listened to me speak at any event, you have heard me say this. You've heard me say the only person you can control is yourself. You've also heard me say another thing we're going to talk about today is let go of assumptions. And these are mantras that I bring into any content, and I'm bringing it up again today in this podcast. You probably heard it in multiple other episodes. We know that it's so funny. We know that we are the only person we can control, right? I can only control myself, but that makes things uncertain. I know I can control myself, but I'm uncertain about how someone's going to respond or what they're going to say to me. And I don't know exactly how I'm going to react in the moment. And because of that uncertainty, we start to create these narratives or movies.

9:53 But since we already know that the only person we can control is ourselves, then we have to anchor to that fact in those really uncomfortable situations where we find ourselves beginning to craft these elaborate stories. How do we do that? I'm going to say the most simple thing you've ever heard and you're going to probably respond with that's not a strategy. The response is just stop. Just stop. And I know it is so much easier said than done and it does take practice and it may not work in the beginning and it may not always work. But I'm advocating that you literally say to yourself, you got this inner conversation going on anyway.

10:38 You have control of saying to yourself, stop. Then repeat the mantra. The only person I can control is myself. What about yourself? Can you control what you can control the assumptions you're making and you can control the way that you're approaching the conversation or the meeting, which is what we're going to go into next. So literally when you notice yourself, just you have to capture those moments and put a stop to the movies that you were creating and respond to yourself saying stop. The only person you can control is yourself. Now, if that is true, then we have to consider what about ourselves can we control?

11:20 Again, we can't control the the assumptions that we make and the way we approach the conversation. So that brings me to my next point. We know we're the only person we can control. Now we have to let go of harmful assumptions. Our brains are wired to make assumptions and our assumptions may even be reasonable, right? And sometimes they can be darn accurate. But if we don't push back on our assumptions or we don't check our perceptions with others, our assumptions can be extremely harmful. I'm reading a book suggested by Jen Knight. It's title, it's by Kate Murphy, and it's titled You're Not Listening, What You're Missing and Why it matters.

12:05 Such a good read. In this book, she writes about assumptions and she uses this phrase assumptions are earplugs. Assumptions are earplugs. And I love that phrase because it's such a great picture of how it keeps us from listening intentionally when we make harmful assumptions. Because remember, we we're wired to make assumptions, but we can make harmful assumptions. We literally put up roadblocks. And I think, too, our assumptions can trigger that fight, flight or freeze response.

12:45 You know, I made a ton of assumptions about my former boss of what she wanted to discuss during this nebulous meeting. And I even made assumptions about how she was going to discuss these things. Even if those things are accurate, I've got to step back from my assumptions because they impede our clarity. And those assumptions I was making did impede my clarity. They put me on the defensive and it made it impossible for me to prepare for a productive meeting. If we can just stop for a moment and say the only person I can control myself, then we can say, OK, what assumptions could I be making?

13:26 Coach yourself through this. What beliefs do I want to lean into instead? What assumptions could I be making? What beliefs do I want to lean into instead? Now, if you are leaning into beliefs that typically they're going to be beliefs about yourself, you have to be really careful about your beliefs about other people unless you are coming to the table with assuming good intent for others. So just think, what do I believe about myself? What do I believe about the people in this organization? What do I believe that the leader intends to do that's best for the organization? So just really think about your assumptions. Now, if you are doing that, then you're going to be better prepared to lean in to listen, lean in to listen, lean in to learn. We've got to approach these conversations with curiosity and the intent to listen, to learn.

14:22 Michael Bungay, senior, says stay curious longer. And I am a firm believer in that. And that too, takes a lot of practice. But we can't wait until we're in a meeting. We can't wait until we're in a conversation to get curious. That work starts beforehand. It starts before the conversation. It starts before the meeting. I did an episode a few weeks back about using a reframing strategy to kind of get out of negative mindsets. That's a very, very useful tool or strategy to use in situations where you're prone to create this. Actually, what I want to say is you're prone to serve as the movie director, right? In situations where you're prone to start create crafting these movies, it can be helpful to use that reframing strategy. I'll tag that in the episode show note so you can go to it. So just know that that is helpful. Another thing that is helpful is to ask yourself as you're stopping and you're you're reflecting, ask yourself, what do I want to learn from this conversation? What do I want to learn from this meeting? And then ask who can I learn from? Who is that I need to learn from what narratives We've already kind of talked about this, but what narratives or assumptions do I need to let go of in order to learn? And if we are going to learn, we have to be ready to listen you. You cannot prepare for what someone else is going to say to you, but you can practice

15:56 listening. That is a way to prepare yourself. Notice we're constantly thinking about ourselves. Yes, because you are the only person you can control. But also, these are skills that are imperative for you to build if you want to have productive conversations and you want to experience dialogue instead of a one way conversation. So you can't practice for what people are going to say, but you can practice listening. And you have to, as you're practicing listening, really just ask yourselves, what is it about my body that's going to show that I'm listening? How am I going to lean in instead of leaning back when my arms crossed?

16:36 What about you will show that you are listening? We're going to talk more about this next week and then if I just want to say and that we're going to talk about this too next week. So I should probably shouldn't get into it too much, but just a sneak peek. If you are remaining curious, if you're practicing that you've set yourself up to do that during the conversation or meeting, it's going to ease the conversation for not only you but for the other people involved. OK, again, more on that next week. So too close. When you find yourself creating this narrative that's hijacking clarity, pause.

17:17 Do everything in your power to tell yourself to stop. Take a deep breath, and then remember these three things. Let these three things be mantras for you. The only person I can control is myself. I've got to let go of harmful assumptions. I don't want to question the assumptions that I have. I want to lean into learning, which means I've got to prepare to be curious. What is it that I want to learn during this conversation? One way that you can build these skills is by learning alongside your instructional leadership team and go through the clarity Cycle framework training. This is a 2 day professional learning institute where I work with you and your instructional leadership team.

17:59 We learn how to not only gain clarity but create clarity around a singular focus for your campus. But we also develop these reflective leadership skills and habits. I talk about a lot of the things that I mentioned in this episode and more. So you can find out more about that at catching up with kc.com/clarity Cycle Framework. Here's how I like to put this to a lot of organizations who choose to work through the Clarity Cycle Framework training. We have all of these different narratives on our campuses, right? We have teacher narratives, we have leader narratives, we have special programs narratives, we have student narratives, we've got parent narratives.

18:44 We have all of these different narratives, but specifically those narratives among the adults are so different that not only are there gaps among the adults on campus, but there are gaps in student learning because of that. And we developed these campus improvement plans year after year. And we're hearing the same language again and again and again. And I wonder if I was to walk through the halls of your campus tomorrow and ask people that are in the halls, hey, tell me about your area focus and tell me about the goals that your campus is working toward this year. Would they all be able to confidently answer? And would they all be able to confidently implement and work toward those goals in their classrooms or in their their offices, whoever it might be?

19:34 If the answer is no, that's why we go through the clarity cycle framework training. The clarity cycle framework allows you to have create teacher friendly, staff friendly language that enables them to be a part of your focus and goals. And it transfers that ownership. So no longer do you have this campus improvement plan that's 47 pages long and that doesn't mean anything to anyone. OK, I would love to work with you on that. I would love to help you build these skills as a leadership team. Let's chat about it guys. I will see you in next weeks episode. Hey listener, I am so honored that you listen to today's episode and I hope you gained something valuable from it. I'd also be honored if you did ME3 solid favors. First, subscribe to this show.

20:22 I've got a lot of great content coming up, and I don't want you to miss any of it. Second, be sure you're following me on social media platforms. You can find me at. Catch up with Casey on LinkedIn or Instagram. And finally, if you were looking to book a dynamic and relatable speaker for your next event, conference, or retreat, I would love to bring a message about how the craft of clarity makes a significant impact on both leadership and life. Until next time, always remember clarity receives capacity.