Episode 281: Be the Light with Dr. Chris Culver

Darrin Peppard (00:00.584)

All right, everybody, welcome back into the Leaning Into Leadership Podcast. This is episode 281. I want to start with a very simple question.

When was the last time someone made you feel like you truly belonged? And not because of your title and not because of your accomplishments, not even because of what you could do for them, but simply because they saw you, they valued you, and they made you feel like you mattered. The truth is, we're living in a time when people are more connected than ever through technology, yet many feel increasingly disconnected from one another.

Leaders are exhausted, educators are overwhelmed, students are struggling, and everywhere we look, people are searching for something deeper than productivity, performance, or achievement. They are searching for connection. They are searching for belonging. And perhaps now, more than ever, they're searching for a little bit of kindness. Today's guest believes kindness isn't a weakness. In fact, he argues it's one of the most powerful forces we have for transforming culture, strengthening relationships.

Improving performance and helping people thrive. Dr. Chris Culver is the author of the new book Be the Light, The Science of Kindness and the Power of Belonging. In our conversation, we dive into the neuroscience behind connection, the impact belonging has on our well-being, leadership, and culture, and why small intentional acts of kindness can create ripple effects far beyond what we often realize. Now, before I welcome Chris into the show, I want to take a moment to thank our sponsor.

Today's episode of Leaning Into Leadership is sponsored by Hey Tutor. At Hey Tutor, they understand something that aligns perfectly with today's conversation. People learn best when they feel supported, connected, and valued. Hey Tutor is more than just a tutoring provider. They are a trusted partner helping districts deliver high impact personalized learning experiences that meet students where they are and help them grow confidence. As a recipient of the National Student Support Accelerators Badge for High Quality Tutoring,

Darrin Peppard (02:27.713)

Heytutor provides evidence-based programs that help close learning gaps while strengthening literacy and math outcomes for students all across the country. Because when students experience belonging, when students experience encouragement, when students have meaningful support, incredible things can happen. To learn more about Heytutor and how Heytutor can support your district, visit Heytutor.com or go down to the link in the show notes.

That will let them know that you heard about him here on the Leaning Into Leadership Podcast. All right. Now on to my conversation with Dr. Chris Culver. All right, Chris, welcome into the Leaning Into Leadership Podcast.

Dr. Chris Culver (03:10.402)

Thank you so much for having me. I'm excited to be back and to explore this conversation with you. Thank you so much.

Darrin Peppard (03:15.709)

Absolutely, man. I'm super excited to be able to spend a little bit of time with you again and just have a little bit of conversation. obviously I just talked about it in in the welcome and that type of stuff. Congratulations again, author of a brand new book, Be the Light. What an exciting time it's gotta be for you.

Dr. Chris Culver (03:34.198)

That's wild. I I tell people often that I don't know that I had writing a book on my bingo card. But when life presents you opportunities, I think you have to make lemon out of lemonade. And that's exactly what happened. And so I'm grateful the the journey is behind me, but grateful for the support and the opportunity to write something to share a message and to hopefully help people along the way.

Darrin Peppard (03:52.524)

Yeah, so let's let's do this just a little bit, Chris. I mean, you know, you've been here on the show before, but for those who maybe don't don't remember that or or haven't had the pleasure of getting to know Dr. Chris Culver, give him just a real quick snapshot of who you are and truly what you're all about.

Dr. Chris Culver (04:08.502)

Absolutely. So I come from a divorced family. My parents separated when I was six. My dad lives in North Carolina. My mom lives in Oklahoma. So for my whole entire life, I figured that most people had four parents, but what I realized when I was teaching human development at the university level is that's not true. And so I share that in this space just because I know somebody else may have navigated divorce, and I share that because as humans we're wired to belong. We're wanting to be seen, heard, valued, and respected for who we are, as we are, as our authentic selves. And someone who navigated a divorce family, moving from schools and states and all that in between, I grew up being picked.

and bullied and made fun of. And so I strived when I stepped into the classroom as an education teacher.

That I would never make a student feel that way. and then as a leader, as I moved into being a middle school administrator and central office administrator, I came to set I carried the same mantra. I never wanted anyone to feel left out or left behind. I wanted everyone to truly believe that they belong. When I worked in toxic environments in 2019 and again in 2023, it really led to learning what this power of kindness is. And so since then I've been on a mission to make kindness not one more thing, but it is the thing that changes everything. And I believe that when we make kindness go viral, that is what's

gonna make everything change in our world. So I'm on that mission. So it's my own experiences that have led me to vulnerably tell a story, but also to embed kindness into my life and to help other people along the way as well.

Darrin Peppard (05:26.103)

I love that so very much. And I think it's I mean, it's just such a truly important thing. And unfortunately, that taking the time to be intentional about kindness doesn't necessarily happen as often, I think, in in our current society as we would want to see it it taking place. Let's let let's talk a little bit about but kind of the

the drive behind the book. We'll we'll we'll talk a little bit more about some of the stuff that's in there. There's a couple of things in particular I really want to get into, but let's I'm always curious. Anytime I get a chance to talk with an author and and by the way, folks, full disclosure, Road Awesome did publish this book. So so I have some some deep insights that I don't normally have for folks whose books we didn't publish. But tell just a little bit of the the drive behind why do you write a book? I I I know you've

You know, you've completed a dissertation and and I think you and I had this conversation in North Carolina at a point in time. like once you finish a dissertation, the last thing you want to do is ever write anything again. So what what shifted? Why why write this book? Why now?

Dr. Chris Culver (06:35.116)

Yeah, I

I appreciate that you're right. I remember finishing the dissertation. I was like, I'm never writing again. That was so fun. That's it. Like that's the end of the writing journey, right? And I remember a couple of years ago when I was getting into the speaking space, getting into this kindness research, Katie Kinder was like, Hey, you've got to write a book. What you're talking about, you've got to write a book. And I was like, Katie, I really appreciate it. I'm so grateful. and so I remember processing that and I was like, okay, like what if I started writing the my my full day and kind of unpacking my keynote and unpacking this research and looking at this for my dissertation.

And if I discombobulate all this, what does this look like, right? So I vomited a bunch of words onto a page and I think even Darren we met at one point and I just kind of left it there. I I'm gonna leave it and just see what happens, right? And I think the universe has a weir weird way of working with us. And so I had an opportunity presented to me to be a keynote speaker.

Darrin Peppard (07:15.767)

Yeah.

Dr. Chris Culver (07:24.118)

in another state and then that conversation they said, Hey, we're gonna buy your book. And I laughed. I mean literally laughed out loud on my Zoom. And I said, I don't have a book, but that's so kind. I can recommend others to you. And she said, Well we want your book. So if you will write one between now and then we'll buy it. And I was holy like all right, here we go. We gotta figure this out. Right. And so I really sat with it. I had reread what I had written before and I didn't really care like the direction I had gone and wanted to change things and

Darrin Peppard (07:39.447)

Ha ha.

Dr. Chris Culver (07:49.534)

Really was leaning into this idea of be the light. Like what does this be? I think you had even shared a song with me where we talked about it by I can't think of the guy's last name, but Rhett about being the light, literally, right? It was in a time in which I had lost some in-laws and some family members and just trying to discern where what does this look like? What of what am I doing? And so what I realized in that moment of just processing where I was and what was experienced in my life is so many people are navigating darkness, so many people are navigating stress, burnout, being exhausted, tapped out, max.

Darrin Peppard (07:55.596)

Yeah.

Darrin Peppard (07:59.639)

Yeah.

Dr. Chris Culver (08:19.548)

out and I think a lot of the story that I have may not be the same as theirs, but they probably can empathize with a lot of things that I've shared or navigate through that. And so I wanted a tool or a resource to help someone. And at the end of the day, it's all about helping one person for me. And so it was a long journey. I remember finishing and was like, this is almost worse than a dissertation, right? Because you're so critical and analytical and all that. So the idea, gosh, it's so it's multi-prong, but I'm grateful it finally came to fruition. And much to your point, thank you to Road Dawson for making it come to fruition.

And for the support in publishing the the book along the way.

Darrin Peppard (08:52.618)

Yeah, well it's it's been our honor, absolutely. And I know I speak for Jess when I say that this is a book that we're very, very proud to be a part of and and to have some connection to. And I'm sitting here on on my computer and I'm scrolling through the f the the final PDF of the book and and I'm struck and I I know this was a combination of you and Kelly and Jess and I had nothing to do with any of this. So the clear disclosure on this one.

But the the book kind of proceeds and and the way it's it's designed is is proceeding from darkness to truly choosing to be the light. And but by the way, Thomas Rhett is the author is the the the singer, yeah, for for the song Be a Light. So, folks, if you haven't heard that song, my gosh, I think it is absolutely brilliant. I really do. and I do remember sharing that with you. I don't remember why that one hit me at the time, but I had to share it with you. But

Anyway, back to back to this progression and and you guys even went so far as to use like the the chapter pages of complete black paper to slowly being being completely white paper. So this this like moving the darkness away. talk about kind of that evolution and and maybe maybe here's a better better way to ask that question.

Wha what is something the the way you've designed this, the the just that movement from dark to light, what is something that you would want a reader to take away and really feel like, man, yeah, it can be the light.

Dr. Chris Culver (10:41.89)

Yeah, that's a great question. the design part was really fun. I think that was one of the cool parts of this process too, and Jess was a great aspect in that help. And I think about

So many people are stressed out and worn out and tapped out, right? I kind of explained that in the in the last conversation we were having. And when we were thinking about be the light and the darkness, I think so many times when we think about kindness specifically, people think of kindergarten kindness: share your crayon, sit on the mat, crisscross applesauce, say please and thank you. And I want to be clear: like those are really important for our social constructs. But I think if we don't upgrade our definition of kindness, then it leaves us carrying some things as an adult that impact us in ways that we don't necess necessarily see. And so when we think about

stress, right? W seventy percent of people are stressed out. Seven in ten Americans are living in a chronic state of stress. So when we think about that, there's underlying issues as to why, right? And a lot of it

Is darkness that we don't always see. It's darkness that sometimes stems way back beyond from what we can see on the surface. And so what I tried to do is be vulnerable in my own story of how I've carried that darkness into the light. And I never pretend that life is easy, never pretend there's not hardships, never pretend that there's not moments of chaos and total crap hitting the fan. But what it is is an intentional choice. And I think we live in a world that's moving so fast that we compare everything to our highlight reel, that I think the intentionality of the design shows us what a slow process is.

And that it is those intentional choices that compound over time. And I talk about it in the book, but it's all about being 1% better. I'm not ever saying that you gotta go out there and being the kindest brigade leader or the parade leader of the town, but how can you genuinely be 1% kinder to yourself today than you were yesterday? Or exhibiting some of the kindest attributes and strategies that we share within the book.

Dr. Chris Culver (12:23.788)

Within your life every respective day. And so I think one of the things if I was wanting a reader to really take away is it's not a one and done, it's not a quick fix, it's not a short-term strategy, right? But it is okay to recognize that you're not alone. Everyone's carrying darkness and stress and worry and doubt and fear and exhaustion and all the things. And ultimately this is to help you and to guide to see, hey, you're not alone, but here's a pathway forward to be the light.

Darrin Peppard (13:50.463)

So I I really like what you say there because for me, reading this book, and obviously I've I've read the book many, many times, it wasn't just Chris telling me what to do, it wasn't just Chris giving me strategies. Yes, that's there. But so much of it was just Chris was empowering me. Donald Miller talks in in Story Brand about not being the hero of the journey, but being the guide. And I felt very much in this book, like you were the guide.

Except for one point, and there's what this one point that it is so great, I think it's so powerful, and I'm so glad you just weren't simply the light. You share the light manifesto. And I'm not going to read the whole thing, folks, buy the book just simply so you can read the the light manifesto, but I'm going to read the first the first passage. I choose to be the light, not because the world is simple, because it is because it is sacred. Not because people always deserve it, but because they always need it.

Talk us through the light manifesto. Where where did that come from? Because man, it's it's a very it's a very strong piece.

Dr. Chris Culver (15:01.388)

I appreciate that. I think that in a time where some people exhibit unkindness to us or they're not always as kind.

It's my philosophy that they need kindness the most. And so it's that effort that it's easy to get frustrated, it's easy to clap back, it's easy to snap back, but it's that constant reminder to choose to be the light, to be that constant choice. And I share some hardships where I've navigated some people who may have said unkind things about me or did unkind things, and I too wanted to have that human reaction. I share and and I always say this too: my natural response is to kerosene the thing and blow the whole MFR up, right? Like that is my natural response, which is not appropriate. And so over time I've

I've had to retrain myself. And so a lot of that is just a reminder is that some people are not gonna be kind to you. And those people need kindness the most. It doesn't mean you stop choosing to be the light, doesn't mean you stop and go into the darkness. It means you'd keep moving forward with those strengths, with those characteristics, and truly choose to live that life of kindness.

Darrin Peppard (16:02.441)

You know, you you share a lot of stories in the book that I guess give us a peek into your mindset and you just gave us a little bit more of a peek there and it and it just you just took me to to a story in the book and and I wasn't gonna go there, but I I I still I w I do want to. I I wanna bring this one up. So so much of what we can do in terms of being kind starts with our own mindset, how we perceive what is happening.

In the book, you share a story about a student who drew a picture of you. And your initial and I love this because the at the the the image that he drew is actually in the book. I don't have to tell the story, I want you to tell the story. But it really it speaks so much to mindset and how we can lean into our own mindset to be kind. So I'll I'll let you run with that.

Dr. Chris Culver (16:58.358)

Yeah, I was I was an international teacher in Bangkok, Thailand. And this student I had at the end of the year, towards the end of the year, he was showing he had came in for tutoring and he's like, Hey, Mr. Chris, I made this drawing for you. And I was super excited because in our time together, he was working primarily on acquiring English. And so we were doing computer work and different things, and he was really great at graphics and Photoshop. So in my mind, when I get this drawing, it's gonna be phenomenal, right? And I open up this folded piece and I'm like,

My god. And in the moment I'm like, thank you so much. I appreciate it. Like I'm trying to find all this gratitude. But as soon as he left the space, like I literally marched that paper around school and I was like, is this what I look like? Is this what I look like? Because was so nervous and and I know that's rooted in vain. And then I realized as well as I was walking back to my classroom in an essence of

That kid took time and energy to make something for me. How dare I make fun of what I look like? Cause I don't like the way I look in a pencil drawing, right? And I think so often we're quick to dismiss things that we don't care for or look like or whatever may be. And I was guilty in that moment of doing the exact same thing. But I think that's where we can choose to rewrite that story in our mind, to choose to be the light, to choose kindness for ourselves and for others and say, no, that child made effort, time, energy, all those things for me to have something. And so I put it up in the middle of my bulletin board with a

in the middle I was like, I'm proud of this, right? I'm proud of it. And didn't love the way I looked, but I wanted that kid to know, hey, you belong here. I appreciate your effort. I appreciate your authenticity. I appreciate your hard work. And I think in a time in which kids are s looking for belonging, they're looking for connection, I think it was a way in which to echo, you matter, and I see you and I appreciate you.

Darrin Peppard (18:37.171)

Yeah, absolutely. And it's honestly it's one of my favorite stories in there. because there is some great humor to it. To hear you laugh when when I bring it up makes it makes it even even more my favorite. I think it I think it's fantastic. Let l let's do this. you know, before before our time starts to to wind down and and get away from us. aside from the fact that yes, folks, you should pick up a copy of this, it'd be a great like beach read sitting by the pool, you know, you're you're off for the summer, that kind of thing. But

Dr. Chris Culver (18:40.598)

So

Dr. Chris Culver (18:45.334)

Uh-huh.

Darrin Peppard (19:07.155)

In the interim. Yes, you can go find a bunch of strategies, but Chris, I'm wondering if you could share, I don't know, two or three really good strategies that people can start leaning into now. You don't have to wait until your school year starts next year or or until your birthday or until whatever. Like what just two or three really good strategies people can use, they can put into practice to start being the light.

Dr. Chris Culver (19:33.314)

Yeah, I think one of the ones that comes to mind immediately is in the moments of frustration, the moments of chaos, the moments of anger, all those negative feelings start to come. I encourage you to pause for six seconds. And if you're thinking, Chris, I can't do six seconds, and friends, I know it's gonna feel awkward when you're in that pause. It feels gross, it feels weird, it feels all the things. But in those six seconds, I encourage you to think about how you can respond, right? And if you're thinking, I don't want I don't know how to change my mindset, that's exactly where you can start to focus in those six seconds on your six favorite ice cream flavors, your six prime numbers.

For me, I would still be counting because I don't understand math. But right, that would work for those math people out there. Maybe your six favorite comedians, your six favorite music artists, whatever it may be, there's something that you can do in that moment cognitively to help rewire your brain to come back to the center so that you can make the right choice when we respond. When we are angry, we're frustrated, we're stressed, we're resentful, whatever it may be, we oftentimes act out of things that we don't also necessarily mean. And so when we pause in this way, it allows us to be intentional with our choices. The other thing is it's easy to

Focus on all the things that are going wrong in our life, all the things that are we're depleted of or we're worried about. But when we come back and we focus on the things that we are grateful for, and I know Kim Strobel does a lot of work around gratitude as well. When we focus on what we're grateful for, it allows our brain to recenter back into this moment. And what I had this conversation with someone even just yesterday was so often we're so focused on the next thing that we forget to be grateful for where we are right now. But if we look back, where we are is where we wanted to be, and we just don't see that. And so when we focus on

One or two things, three things, six things of gratitude, it allows us to really prioritize, hey, I bring value, I bring love and light to this space. And on that point, the last one I would recommend is affirm ourselves. It's easy to give grace and love and light, compassion to other people, but we all have a gift. We all bring value to this world. And so the research that I talk about is saying, right, 18 affirmations, but everywhere I say that, people groan, moan, and make noises. So I will concede and meet you at three to five. Just say I'm kind.

I'm caring. I'm loving. Because in those moments of frustration when things happen, because crap's gonna hit the fan, life is gonna life, lemons are gonna be thrown your way. You can remember that you are a gift, you bring value, and we need you in this world. And so three strategies I'd go to immediately to start that are simple are those right there that I just discussed. And I think they would help everyone have immediate strategies to move into the new year.

Darrin Peppard (21:41.119)

Yeah.

Darrin Peppard (21:56.271)

I think that's super fantastic. So so Chris, the let's let's let's just talk about the summer a little bit. I mean, I know you've got some keynotes and that kind of stuff. Like like what is on tap for you this summer and as we go into the coming school year?

Dr. Chris Culver (22:09.602)

Yeah, it's a little bit of a wild road. The kindness tour is in full seam ahead, which I'm super grateful. Doing some leadership development work with some different state agencies here in Oklahoma, doing a special education conference in Phoenix and in Washington working with a university. I'll be in Pennsylvania in August working with all the state leaders across the state. I'm back doing some stuff with medical professionals and nursing home professionals, insurance agencies, and finance groups all across between June, July, and August. So I'm super excited to get to travel around the United States and meet new people and be.

New spaces. As an educator, I never thought I would be invited into some of these spaces. And so it's cool to say, hey, we want to hear what you have to say. And I'm like, this is neat. I'm really cool to go. It's really cool to get to go somewhere new. So it'll be a busy summer, but I'm excited for the opportunity to connect with people and to share some love and light with people and to let them know that we need who they are, and excited to help them heal or serve or whatever I can do along the way.

Darrin Peppard (22:51.167)

Yeah.

Darrin Peppard (23:03.697)

Absolutely. And nobody does it better than you do, man. without without question. Without question. So so let's do this. Our our our time has already just just flown right away. I'll I'll give you a chance in here in a few minutes to tell people how they can get in touch with you. But this is the Leaning Into Leadership podcast. I know you've done this before, but hey, that doesn't mean you don't that you get off the hook on on on the second go round. So Chris Culver, how are you leaning into leadership right now?

Dr. Chris Culver (23:30.264)

Think leadership, as I said before, I think on here, and I say all the time, is not about a title to the way we show up in this world. And I think that I'm always focused on being one percent better than I was yesterday and and how I'll be tomorrow, right? And I think it's being intentional in our choices. And so I'm leaning into leadership by being empathetic, asking questions, seeking to understand, and seeking and assuming positive intent, which are critical components as we move into a new school year, and we're working with teams or working with students, because every single person is carrying a backpack that we can't see. But when we operate with empathy, it allows us to meet people where they are. And so I'm leaning into leadership that way by meeting people.

where they are and serving them where they are as well.

Darrin Peppard (24:03.388)

Love it, absolutely. And you know, and I I didn't I didn't speak to it when you brought it up, but I'm gonna speak to it right now because I think our our our you know good friend Katie Kinder would would not be happy with me just ignoring a Katie Kinder reference earlier in the in the podcast. But it's interesting that Katie was the one who pushed you to to get going on the book. And of course Katie and I did a book together and and all those wonderful things. So yes, hats off to our teal glassed friend.

absolutely love that kid so much. So Chris, let's do this. people are obviously gonna want to get in touch with you. we'll put links for the book and all of that kind of stuff. you have you have a a children's book that's out too. Don't forget to mention that. I mean, wow, everything's coming up, Chris Culver, right now. So, how do people get in touch and like get all of this awesome stuff that you are doing through Orange Sparrow?

Dr. Chris Culver (24:59.992)

Absolutely. So you can find me online at Dr. Chris Culver on all social media channels, TikTok, LinkedIn, Facebook, Instagram.

The be the line information is all on drchrisculver.com. And as Darren mentioned, I do have a children's book that just came out called The Orange Sparrow's Journey, which is about Ollie, the Orange Sparrow, finding belonging in a forest that he doesn't feel like he belongs in. and there's curriculum that comes with that, with the attention span being eight seconds in today's world and the average reading level being elementary. We want to provide curriculum for teachers and schools and leadership teams to implement pre K through 12. And the really cool part is I wrote this in partnership with my partner, so it isn't by it's a bilingual.

Book, it's in English and Spanish, and all the resources come in that way as well. So that's at orange sparrow.org and super excited to connect with folks and help people out any way that we can.

Darrin Peppard (25:47.228)

Outstanding, man. I love it so very much. We'll have links for all of that stuff down in the show notes. Chris Culver, man, this has just been so much fun. Congratulations again on the book. Thanks for joining me here on Leaning Into Leadership.

Dr. Chris Culver (25:57.976)

Thank you so much.

Darrin Peppard (00:01.036)

Man, what an incredible conversation there with Dr. Chris Culver. I really appreciate him joining us here on the show. Again, all of his stuff is down there in the show notes. Make sure you get down there, check that out, get connected with him, and go grab a copy of his new book, Be the Light. Absolutely fantastic. Now, it's time for a pep talk. Today on the pep talk, I just want to build on something that Dr. Culver was talking about. Just some of those simple, simple strategies that you can lean into to start.

practicing kindness and it starts with us focusing on being kind to ourselves. I think sometimes, and I appreciate so much how he talked about this, but sometimes the person that it's the most difficult to be kind to is yourself. Think about the words that you use when you're frustrated with yourself or when you do something that you're not happy about and and just some of the some of the things that you do in terms of how you talk to yourself. Simply changing

The way that we talk to ourselves can make such an impact on how we are viewing the world, on the words that will come out of our mouth, and how we view ourselves. Be kind to yourself, folks. Lean into yourself and focus on that. That's what I've got for you this week, folks. As always, rate, review, subscribe. That's what drives this algorithm. That's what gets more people the opportunity to listen to leaning into leadership. Get out there, have a road awesome week.