Episode 80 | Stressed Leaders Stay in the Game: Burnout, Purpose and Thriving in Leadership

0:09 Are you a leader who feels the stress? Our guest, Dan Stecken, A Superintendent who knows what it takes to thrive under pressure. We'll dive into his unique approach to Wellness, vulnerability, and the Stressed Leaders Retreat he founded to help educators build the stamina for passionate, purposeful leadership. Before we jump in, a quick thank you to Craig Williams, founder of Commissary, our legacy partner. If you have ever felt like your story, your message, or your brand needs clarity, Commissary exist to help you with all of that. They work with people who want their voice to reflect their values and their purpose.

0:52 You can find their link in today's show notes and on the Spark Hope website. Thank you to Commissary for their belief in the power of story to create connection, clarity, and hope. Welcome to the Lead with Hope podcast today, Dan. Hey, thank you for having me on Brandy. I'm excited to be here. Tell us about you. Who are you? Who am I? Well, I'm a 45 year old guy, live in the Midwest South, Chicago about an hour Superintendent, husband, dad, you know all the fun stuff. Former former varsity head coach, once ran a decade plus long travel baseball, softball program, done a little bit of everything. Obviously, I love to serve and I've I really take great joy and just supporting other people's leadership capacities. My story, which eventually became my book stress leader stay in the game is basically I was writing a book to myself from five years ago.

1:53 My my first year as Superintendent. I was so jacked. I was excited for the role. I I have a sticky note on a picture back by my desk that says, remember five years ago you dreamt of being in this seat? And I love this job. But I learned quickly in my first year that even though I was ready for it and I had a great mentor, the stress of the job became overwhelming in my first year as a Superintendent. When I talked to some of my colleagues that I became really good friends with, I found out that I thought I was drowning, but they were in even worse spots than I was. And when one of your, you know, your good friends is getting death threats, when 1 is going through a messy divorce, another is going through a substance abuse problem.

2:38 And then there's me who just internalized everything and put up a wall to block a reality that I'm suffering from any stress whatsoever. I used to joke and it's a bad joke. I used to say I'm too blessed to be stressed. Truly. At Seneca High School, I met at the one of the best districts in all, all of the Midwest are so blessed. But I was afraid to admit that I was stressed out. I was afraid to admit that I was serving everybody and everyone and not myself. And my book happened sort of by accident because I wanted to create a system, some type of event to help support some of those friends that I talked to you a little bit just a few minutes ago about.

3:21 I knew I had four or five people in my immediate network that were sort of dying on the vine, and I wanted to do something to help them out. So the retreat kind of grew out of that concept. And then creating the curriculum, the activities, the speaking engagements, the keynotes, it just sort of became a book. And while I love my job, I love almost every part of it. When I quit coaching softball, there was a small piece of me that just kind of went away and I I lived for spring softball in Illinois and I loved what I what we built at Seneca, which is now a powerhouse annual championship program.

4:02 And I was on the ground level of that. But a small piece of me going into full time administration and no longer coaching it just kind of collapsed and stressed leaders sort of filled that void. And now it's filled it to the point where my national network has grown so much. And when I go to conferences and meet people for the first time, they're like, oh, you're that stress leader guy. Like, yeah, that's me. So that's exciting. And I'm excited to see where it goes. But I'm I'm most excited to continue to help people in my my immediate network at our retreats that we host. Yeah. And Dan, you are definitely that leader that serves seen that first hand. You support the people in your network and I'm very privileged to call you a friend and I appreciate being in that network with you.

4:51 But when you talk about, you know, pivoting from coaching to just focusing on the administration and then finding stress leaders and that filling a void, talk to us about the role in finding your passion and your purpose to sustain that resilient leadership. Because if we're being honest, if you're in a leadership role, especially the higher up you go, you're a stress leader. You're absolutely right there. It's just a reality. What is that role that you have found in your life and in your leadership where passion really fuels your purpose? Yeah, that's a great question. First off, thank you for the compliment.

5:32 That means a lot to me coming from you, Brandy. But I think that passion and purpose is something that over the last couple years, I've been a lot more reflective on my own journey and my own path and why I do the things that I do. And, and again, I am blessed my my Monday through Friday day-to-day job here at Seneca High School because I can go out and be immediately out of my office with students, with staff members. And that's not true for a lot of superintendents. Those are the moments that bring me joy, not having to discipline paraprofessionals for acting like children. But but the passion and purpose outside of these walls, which is kind of hard for me even to say because I live in this town. I'm a mile from the school.

6:15 My kids go here. Seneca has been my life for the last 22 plus years, half of my life. And I was that head coach that I did it 12 months a year and I was a teacher that always tried to make my instruction exciting and vibrant and meaningful. I didn't have many days where I just got worksheets out. I, I was always trying to push the envelope. So to have something beyond Seneca has been really eye opening for exactly what you asked. That passion, that purpose. And at first you, you get a little bit worried about, oh, what will people think if I try to do something different, something on my own. And, and I, well, I love my little town and my little network locally and in Northern Illinois, there's not a lot of progressive ideas happening outside of this area or inside this area.

7:05 Excuse me. And while our school is dynamic and amazing, I wanted to do something that was different. I love going to conferences and learning, but I hate going to conferences where I just sit and listen and then everybody meets at the lobby bar. You know, there's a place for that, but I wanted something different. So the the passion has been seeing these stress leaders retreats grow from the first iteration to the second last summer and now planning our third year of this in 2026 and expanding to a new market. I'm really excited about that. Then the purpose behind it is when I just sit and listen, the other people talk about their stressors, I genuinely worry what is the future of leadership in school districts going to look like? And then to add to that, my wife Kerry is a dynamic nursing director.

7:56 Healthcare is going through the same thing, the burnout and you sort of worry, you know, I have a 17 year old daughter that wants to be a nurse and follow in her mom's footsteps. And what's, what are schools going to look like? What is the hospital system going to look like in 5 to 10 years? And so the concept of these retreats in these leadership roles that the purpose is to keep our leaders thriving, to keep them in the game. In my book, Stress Leaders Stay in the Game is exactly what I want to do is is support and fulfill leaders to realize the impact that we have and how important it is for us to support those people who depend on us. Absolutely. And you know, when you think about your children and the legacy you want to leave for them, right? It's not necessarily about us right now. It's about we want to leave this situation better than we found it.

8:48 That's what leadership's all about. And the benefactors of that are going to be our children and our grandchildren is important that we support and we help the people that are in the roles now. But it's even bigger than that. And I'm glad you said that, Dan, because I think we need to start thinking outside of ourselves and our small network and expand so that we can build that capacity and people can thrive in leadership roles because what we focus on is what we grow. And yes, there's a lot of negativity in leadership, but there's a lot of things to be grateful for as well. And so let's amplify that and help people sustain resilient leadership in the here and the now and beyond. Yeah, you'd summarize that well.

9:33 And it's, it's such a powerful message that what I see in the Superintendent world is that, you know, a lot of people do just want to stay in their sort of small confined network. And, you know, maybe rightfully so. It's not how I'm wired. But you, you always have that fear, that worry of I've got a bull's eye on my back. That's a reality. Whether it's board members, community members, even some sometimes sadly, internal folks. You know, that it's, it's tough being the, you know, it's I, I used to laugh. It's a line from the show suits where he says, you know, it's lonely at the top, but it was pretty lonely at the bottom, too. Yeah. Yeah, you got to pick your heart, right? Yeah. Absolutely. Take your heart.

10:14 You know, in in our world today, whether you're talking about leadership or even our kids, you know, mental health is a factor. And I think we have to foster a workplace culture, a school culture that prioritizes mental health and well-being. So as you sit in that Superintendent, Superintendent chair today, from your vantage point, what would you say are the key benefits in fostering a school culture that prioritizes prioritizes mental health and Wellness? Oh, that's a, that's a great question. And I, I, I'm so proud of my student services department. I've got a rock star psych Joe rock roar who who comes up with so many ways to support, especially those students most in need. We've got a social worker, Samantha League and these two women.

11:07 I, I, I can make a list right now of a dozen programs they've created for our little school of 400 kids that have even gone beyond our school into our community and our larger community. Some county wide initiatives that they're doing right now. We're doing Thanksgiving baskets. We have, we have over 90 families who voluntarily said, yes, we need help and we want, so we have all of our homerooms creating these, these Thanksgiving baskets that will even deliver or they can pick up up. So we've got that going on next week. And there's so many. We have a, we, you know, our mascots are fighting Irish. So we have this dedicated room in our school called the Irish Care Closet that's got clothes, deodorant, hygiene, food, just there's so many programs that these two ladies have created and they come to me with these new ideas and I see it.

11:52 I mean, I'm out in front of our office every single day and at the end of the day and you just see some of these kids and I only get a glimpse because I'm not in a classroom every day. I'm not, I'm not in the social worker room with these kids, But we've got a lot of kids that are that come from some tough, tough situations and they need support. But then I'll tell you too, I've I've reflected differently on this in my leadership capacity in this chair, but even as a dad. So Brandy, you know me pretty well and you, you know that if you had to diagnosed me with a sickness, it's probably workaholic. I've been that way since I was a teenager. I, I worked all through college. I've always coached multiple sports. I, I do everything and anything. I, I come to this school on Saturdays and Sundays to work because it's quiet. But I got a 17 year old daughter who I will view and she does the same things.

12:40 She's a three sport athlete, she's an FFA officer, she's an NHS, She has she's a CNAI. Kind of the other day I was telling my wife, I kind of stepped back from this and I was like, man, it's true. Your kids have all the greatness in you, but they have all the character flaws too. And she's a workhorse. You know, she had her first basketball game last night and she had to get warned twice by the referees for being too violent out there. And she just plays physical. She plays hard, but that's how we do things in our house. And you, you, you say that and it's like a, it's like a, a badge of honor. We're, we're stacking, we're tough. This is what we do. But then if you back up and try to reflect, and that's what my writing has really, really opened my eyes to the last few years.

13:21 It's not really always healthy. It's not healthy to work 100 hours a week. And even though it is part of what I would consider my passion and it's a it's a purpose too, you do need some me time where you're just not working, but you're, you're doing things with your wife, doing things with your kids that don't focus on work or sports or whatever. My son loves to hike. And I just said to my colleague, I need to take him hiking more. I love to hike too, but there's never enough time. You know, you got to make the time. You've got to make it a priority. So sitting in this chair, what you're asking me, I see that. I see that from our kids most in need, but I see it from our high Flyers too.

14:03 And I I think that's a big piece that doesn't get discussed openly is the high Flyers that are the workaholics that they need attention to, they need support as well. They do, and it hits a little bit different whenever it's your kid, right? I mean, because and when I say that, I mean when you're the workaholic, that's one thing. But when you're seeing those same things in your kid, my family's the same. My husband and I are first born, which has been interesting for marriage, by the way, but that's a whole nother show. But you know, we're we're both workhorses and our kids are too. Now, as I'm watching my daughter become a mother and to be an adult and watching that play out in her life, it hits different. And that's what I'm hearing you say. But one of the things I love about you and your leadership is you talk about your book and I've, I've put it up here on the screen.

14:57 Can you see it? Yeah, yeah. Stress leaders stay in the game and something that I learned when I was writing my book Lead with Hope is it is an opportunity to reflect. It's almost cathartic in a way that you're able to pour out your heart and your soul in this book and share it with, with the world as your story, helping other people, serving other people. And it's super powerful. But I, I do think it is also a way that we can take care of ourselves. And yes, sometimes it feels like work, but it was kind of a labor of love. Yeah, and and you touched on it at the intro vulnerability. I would, if I'm being honest with you and your listeners, that's the first time in my life that I've probably truly been vulnerable.

15:47 I somewhat, I don't laugh. I get a little bit almost cringy because people will tell me like, wow, you're so vulnerable on that. And I'm like, yeah, that's not normal. And not sure why, but ever so a funny story is I wrote the book without ever talking to a publisher, without ever seeking an editor. I just wrote it and I wrote it as part of supporting these ideas for our retreat. And so when I finally got it to the point where I'm like, OK, I think this is pretty good. Like I'm going to, I'm going to send this to a couple publishers and just see what they say. One publisher that I was really excited about who IA Titan in the educational leadership community, who owns his own book publishing company. He called me and we had about an hour and a half conversation about my book and his team read my book and they loved it.

16:32 And he cautioned me and said, you're too vulnerable in this book, Dan. And he said, I, I just, I'm just a little bit worried that your leadership journey if that, if somebody read this book and saw how vulnerable you were, that they might think less of you. And I and I, I, I took that in and I said, well, with, with all due respect, I wrote this book to myself as a stressed out leader. And I think the vulnerability vulnerability piece is important because if there's a leader out there like me or like some of my friends that I wrote this book about as well and it helps them, then it did its job. And so I wouldn't want to mask that or hide it or, or sort of whittle it down to be less vulnerable because I don't think there's anything in there that really would like, you know, question my character or anything. But it definitely is vulnerable.

17:22 And I want leaders to read that and get that. And so ironically enough, he passed on publishing my book, which was OK because he was very helpful in the conversation about career goals. But now the people who read my book thank me for being so vulnerable and thank me for that. So I'm like, that was worth it and I'm glad I stuck with my stuck to my guns and stuck with my heart as why, you know, what's the purpose of the book? It's to help leaders who are stressed stay in the game and make some, some good change in habits to continue to stay in the game. So that's a, that's a unique story that I, I, I reflect on that a lot, especially as I write on sub stack all the time. Now for other leaders. I, I think about, you know, just just Monday, actually, I had a fellow Superintendent who I haven't spoken to and probably four or five months reach out to me by e-mail Monday morning at 6:00 AM on my Monday morning reset that I do.

18:16 And she said, you have no idea how badly I needed to read this this morning. Boom. That's, that's like that, that's like that moment when you see the light bulb go off and a kid when you're in front of a classroom or you're just like, oh, man, that's, that's why I do this. And it's, you know, I'm certainly not getting rich off of it, but it's, but it's that purpose that that I, that I love. It is. It's all about helping other people with the story that only you can share. And I personally love the vulnerability. I think that it is refreshing and it's much needed. And I think that when people go to the Stress Leaders retreat, that's one of the things they take away from that retreat is they're really able to authentically connect with other leaders. And the thing that I also love about the Stressed Leaders retreat is it's not just educational leaders in that room.

19:04 It's any leader can come to the Stress Leaders Retreat. And I guarantee you that if you go to the Stress Leaders retreat this summer, you are going to leave feeling transformed, reinvigorated, and ready to take on the world. Because you know that you have had that opportunity to reflect and reset. And you also have a network now around you that you can reach out to when you do the Telegram posts. And everybody shares their journey of doing hard things, whether it's workouts or other posts that they put in there. And it's just a powerful network that I would encourage people to connect with to attend the Stress Leaders Retreat. And I'm going to go ahead and throw up to the website of Stressed Leaders Retreat.

19:54 It just got a very brand new facelift. But anything you need to know about the Stress, Leaders Retreat, staying in the game, Tools for leaders upcoming. Events, testimonials, you name it, it's all here. And the videos are beautiful. They are very, very well done, Dan. Man, you're just giving me chills. Brandy. Yeah, yeah. I, I, I, I think about those, those retreats we've had and I, I'm like the I feel like I'm, I'm like the kid in the candy store at these events because I get, I feel like I get more out of it than the than the people in attendance get. Obviously you're speaking to the value in it, but I just, I get so much out of it that I'm blown away by it every year. And yeah, you're right.

20:38 The videos that Jake Carr put together for us and just all the speakers and the connections and it's it's so cool. And, and last year having healthcare professionals, small business owners, entrepreneurs, of course, we had teachers, principals, A superintendents, we had accountants, we had a fireman. We had so many different people. But isn't that why we do what we do? I mean, why should we confine ourselves to, I'm only going to talk about education when and there's so much more to leadership And there there's so many similarities in leadership in different, different industries. We're all typically struggling through the same, same issues.

21:18 But yeah, I like the vulnerability piece too, because it's a safe space where you can truly just, you know, sort of take off that cloak of armor, you know, that that suit of armor and, and just be open. And yeah, what I'm so excited for next year. Already planning it and releasing the website and my website designer, Rex Rebecca Milburn out of Tulsa, OK Man, she did just a great job with the whole thing. And it's it's, I'm so proud of it. It's it's really exciting to see where it grows in your three to where it goes down the road someday. Yeah, it's definitely a beautiful website and I want to encourage the listeners to go to Stress leaders dot com and check that out today.

21:59 Dan, you're doing some great things in the world and I think it all stems back to what we started out with. You love to serve. You love to serve and help other people, and it definitely shows. Let's pause for just a moment because I want to tell you about a partner who truly aligns with the heart of this podcast. Here on Lead With Hope, we talked a lot about clarity, clarity of purpose, clarity of voice, and clarity of direction. And that's exactly where Commissary comes in. They help leaders, educators, and change makers uncover the story behind their work and share it in a way that feels honest, meaningful, and deeply aligned with who they are. If you've ever felt the nudge to write a book, refine your message, or build a brand that actually reflects your values, not just your resume, Commissary doesn't rush you or box you in. They walk alongside you, helping you shape your story with intention and integrity.

23:03 You can learn more by clicking their link in the show notes for visiting them through the Spark Hope website. A big thank you to Craig Williams at Commissary for being a legacy sponsor of this podcast and for investing in stories that matter. Because when we share our stories with clarity and hope, real change happens. If you're feeling overwhelmed by mounting demands and expectations as a leader, then we should talk. I'm Doctor Brandy Kelly and I help leaders use hope as a strategy through my signature framework, A System of Hope. With over 20 years in education, including being a two time Principal of the Year, I partner with busy leaders who are exhausted and frustrated by the constant added responsibilities.

23:52 Ioffer the Hope Fueled Leadership Kickstart, which is a short, powerful private coaching experience designed to help you clarify your vision so that every decision is aligned to your goals, gain confidence and decision making even when you're under pressure, and to build lasting connection and community to strengthen your team and your support system. This gives you a clear road map to maximize your resources, your people, and your impact as a leader without burning out. You can find a link to learn more about the Hope Fueled Leadership Kickstart in the show notes. I know you are putting a lot of hope out in the world.

24:33 You're giving hope to people who call you on the phone, who send you emails, who share their stressors and their stories with you. But I'm curious what's giving you hope right now? Yeah, What I would, I love that question that I knew you're going to ask something like that. I, I, I can't just pick one thing. I mean, there's, there's some really, really, really exciting things that we are doing our school right now. We've got this women's leadership thing that is just exploding with our student, my Superintendent committee, and I'm excited about that. And then I am taking a very bold, courageous step in my career with a project at my school that is occupying a lot of my time. But I'm exciting because I think it's going to be a, a game changing, life saving future for our tiny small town and school districts or developing A subdivision ourselves. It's been an interesting journey, but it's exciting. And, and then in just in my, my personal life, I, I just feel like I, I've grown quite a bit as a, as a, as a man in the last few years.

25:36 And that's pretty vulnerable to, to say. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm proud of the things I did years ago, but just my own personal development and my commitment to, to working out and eating healthier and making better decisions in my life, whether that be not rage monstering at my children as often as I used to. Just, you know, it's a, it's a weird season for me to see my kids. My daughter's a senior. She's going to be going to college. She wants to go to a big SEC school far away, happy and excited for her, but scared to death to, you know, my little girl's going to go 11 hours away, you know, and then my son is 12 and 13 here in a couple weeks and he has more charisma and humor than I could ever have hope to have.

26:22 And I see him as I, I feel like that kid is going to move mountains. And, you know, being a parent is, is the hardest job in the world, but it gives me hope because I'm so proud of those two kids. And then, you know, my wife, who's always just the dutiful, loyal soldier in the background. She's, she's the engine that makes it all go. And she's doing some amazing things in her life. And I just feel like it's maybe a little cliche, but you know, we're in our 40s and we're doing some pretty exciting things in our personal lives, our professional lives, our family. And I think that that stressed leaders has been a big part of that. Because when you are vulnerable and you are reflective about who you are, who you want to be, what you're trying to build, what you're trying to build too, I think this is a lot.

27:10 I think you have the opportunity to take a deep look into the mirror to see my truly living the life that I want to live. And I feel like the four of us in our household are all kind of getting to that answer in a unique manner, even 45 year old dad and mom and two kids that are going to conquer the world hopefully someday. So that gives me hope is all those great things happening in my life that make me not rest very often, but they give me a lot of hope for what's to come. You have a lot to be proud of with you know. What's most important, of course, is the family with your wife. I've met your wonderful wife.

27:50 She's an amazing human being, she is. Definitely you, definitely she. I definitely married up. You frequently say that. I've heard you say that before. Dan, you're a smart man. Yeah. You have a lot to be proud of with your wife and your children and the Stress Leaders Retreat. Now, if people on the show want to get in touch with you, they want to talk to you, they want to learn more about your book, or they want to learn more about the Stress Leaders Retreat. How would they get in touch with you? I think the easiest way is just go to stressleaders.com. There's a contact us, there's links to the book, there's links to for the retreat to sign up. I'm really excited. June of 2026, we'll have our stress leaders event in my areas of rock country and Illinois here about 6570 miles southwest of Chicago at a beautiful venue at Camp Arimoni. And then the following week we're headed to the Indianapolis area, still finalizing some details on the the venue and and some some additional speakers.

28:47 But man, I'm so excited to see what happens with this and, you know, stepping out outside of your own little area to a new world here. I'm I'm, I'm just so excited to see what happens with it all. And we've already, I've already gotten a lot of great feedback on the website. We just went live and some, some some direct messages on LinkedIn and Twitter about it. So it, it's pretty exciting. I'm you talk about hope. It gives me a lot of hope and excitement for next summer. Yeah, so exciting, so exciting. And Dan, I am grateful that you came on the show today. I love talking about all of these things. It's about doing hard things. It's leaning into the discomfort and learning and growing and becoming the best version of you. And so I just want to say thank you for coming on the show today and sharing your story and all of the exciting things you have going on.

29:35 Yeah, hey, thank you. You know, it's five O 5 this morning when it was raining outside and I was in my bed. I didn't want to get out of bed. But we find that that that that discomfort. And I was glad I came here to lift before work. And the whole day has been just a great series of successes because I got out of bed at five O 5. Even though I didn't want to, I did. So, yeah, I know I appreciate you having me on. And it's always great talking to you, Brandy. And you know, I'm one of your biggest cheerleaders. I love hearing about all the success you're having and can't wait to see what the future brings. And I think of the word hope sitting behind you on your screen. Man, you, you are a bundle of hope. I'm excited to see what happens. Well, thank you, Dan.

30:15 As we close today, remember this. The world needs your leadership now more than ever. If this conversation encouraged you, challenged you, or reminded you that you're not alone, here's one simple way you can help us spread hope. Follow the Lead with Hope podcast and leave us a five star rating. Those few seconds help this message reach leaders who need it most. And if today's episode resonated with you, share it with a friend or a colleague, someone who could use a reminder that they matter, that their work matters, and that hope still belongs. In leadership, Change doesn't start with systems or titles, it starts with you.

30:58 Fuel your life with hope, embrace your purpose, and never underestimate the power of your light to lead the way for others. I'm cheering you on always.